Turns out she's engaged

Thursday | March 14, 2024

Love Letters Dating

Turns out she’s engaged

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Happy Pi Day.

I have a huge crush on this woman. She’s absolutely drop-dead gorgeous – and I mean stunning. I thought she might like me back, and I had a lot of faith that she did.

However, I saw her again after hanging out with her a couple of times, and then she mentioned “in-laws” – and then I asked if she was married, and she said she was engaged. I couldn’t believe my ears!

It’s been almost half a year since meeting her, and I’m still carrying a torch for her. Also, I now have a thing for some of her friends.

There’s a lot going through my head right now.

Should I try to date her friends if I know I also have feelings for her? Or should I hope for a chance she might like me back, despite her getting married soon? I wonder about trying polyamory or an open relationship – us being together while she’s also with her soon-to-be husband.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure any of her friends are right for me. One has a child (I don’t have children). What is the best decision in this situation?

– Open

It sounds like you have big feelings for this woman, but lukewarm feelings for her friends. If the woman suddenly became single, you’d want to drop everyone else. That’s why I wouldn’t pursue anyone in her community. You’re better off dating strangers through apps.

It might help to extract yourself from this group. It revolves around a woman who’s about to get married. Instead of spending most of your social time trying to get closer to her (and imagining ways you could work around her commitment), you could be making new connections.

Maybe you want to keep these people in your life, but can you minimize how much you give them?

Also know this: even if your crush showed up at your place tomorrow with a proposal for polyamory, it doesn’t seem like that’s what you’d want. Everybody’s got to be very on board for that kind of relationship. The structure has to make sense. Your real wish is for her to be single. That’s not happening right now – or ever, if she gets the life she wants.

I’m sorry the start of this relationship was confusing. You didn’t get the chance to stop the crush before it started. I suppose you’ve learned that one of the great ways to start a romance (or shift gears) is to ask, “Are you single?” or some similar question.

You got the information late, but you have it. Stop strategizing and scheming. Use your energy to figure out how to date someone you’ve never met.

– Meredith

Readers? Is it worth pursuing a friend in this circle? Why or why not?

Dating Friends Without Benefits Friends Unrequited Love Crush

Featured Comment

“There’s an odd sense of entitlement in your letter. As though friendliness means romance is owed, and as though you having a crush means it’s unthinkable that she’d already be with someone else, to the point you ‘couldn’t believe [your] ears’. It shouldn’t be that shocking that a person you just met and find charming is already taken. Thoughts on whether you should hold out hope for an engaged person to end her engagement, or for her to want polyamory with you, is delusional at best. As is your final question, ‘What is the best decision in this situation?’. You don’t get to just choose who to be with because you have feelings. There is consent involved and you are getting way ahead of yourself. With any of the other friends, you’re not making a choice to date them – you’d be asking if they’re interested first and foremost, and that answer might be ‘no”.

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