They want a buddy, not a girlfriend

Wednesday | January 17, 2024

Love Letters Dating

They want a buddy, not a girlfriend

What’s been on your mind about your relationship life? Ask anything. It helps others who’ve had similar questions.

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How do I stop being the buddy and become the girlfriend?

This has been going on for years, and while I am happy that many guys seem comfortable with me, maybe it’s too comfortable?

I have had some medium-term relationships in the past, and looking back, now I can usually see that I will get the buddy speech early on. The guy will talk and talk and I may get one question for me/about me. “You are such a good listener!” And I am thinking they only asked me out to be a shrink, a mommy, or they were bored/hate being alone.

If there are additional dates and the behavior continues, I know I am headed for the buddy zone. I have tried to steer the conversation my way a few times, and they take it back. I have enough male friends (strictly platonic). I want a boyfriend, not a boy friend. My male friends are like brothers to me and have been since we first met. They have wives/girlfriends of their own and I am happy for them.

Thoughts (prayers)?:)

– Buddy

The thing is, good friends listen.

Excellent friends want to ask a zillion questions.

I’m not sure you’ve been dating men who want a buddy. Based on the details here, it seems these men have been looking for an audience. You’ve listened until they decided it was time to move on.

I hereby give you permission to cut ties with these men early on. If someone isn’t captivated by what you have to say on early dates, they’re not the right boyfriend or platonic companion. If they’re monologuing with no reciprocation, they can do that elsewhere.

Think about who you find compelling, and decide whether they’ve made you feel fascinating in return.

Also ask your loving friends and their partners to consider setting you up. It sounds like you have a great group of people in your life. Some are probably good at matchmaking.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this about always being the buddy? How do you evaluate dates when someone is monologuing?

Dating fatigue

Featured Comment

“Why do you care so much about entering a relationship with people who demonstrate they don’t care about getting to know you? I think you’re getting mixed up about what dating is. It’s not a game of chess that you’re trying to “win” and the end of the game is getting a relationship proposal. It’s a process of discovering whether or not you’re compatible with someone. Looks like you keep discovering you’re not, but you’ve come up with this odd narrative about being friend-zoned because you keep picking the self-absorbed guys to try and win over. Maybe try dating people you typically wouldn’t, as your pattern of choosing this type isn’t working for you.”

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