They Don’t Want To Be My Boyfriend

Wednesday | September 16, 2015

Love Letters Dating

They Don’t Want To Be My Boyfriend

Dear Meredith,

I’m a guy in my late 20s, and I’ve had my own set of successes dating-wise in terms of meeting new people, etc., but one place where I keep experiencing challenges is when a relationship converts from dating to “we are boyfriends,” and what happens after that. I feel like I’m generally well-intentioned, giving, communicative about my expectations, etc., and then at some point, the other guy seems to shut down and dumps me with either six hours warning or a week of lifeless texts. During the breakup, they say “you have so much of what I want in a partner but I don’t feel this is right.” They’re normally not willing to try any modifications to the relationship to try to make things work better. For the last few years of breakups, the guys who have done this at some point reappear months later with the desire to work things out. Is there any way to stop this cycle?

– Boyfriend

The cycle is called dating. It’s all about stops and starts until something sticks. Sometimes people bail. Sometimes they return.

Two things to consider as you continue with the delightful process of finding a boyfriend: 1) Are you sure that you’ve wanted to commit to all of these guys? It sounds like these men have trouble getting to the next step, but maybe you could spend some more time thinking about what you really want before you jump to the boyfriend label. 2) What does the “we are boyfriends” status mean? If all it means exclusivity (as opposed to deep commitment), make that clear. Labels can be scary if they’re not defined.

I know this is exhausting, but that’s why there are so many television shows and movies about finding love. It’s quite a climb.

Readers? What can he do to keep these guys around? Should he want the boyfriend label? Why do these guys come back?

– Meredith

Dating

Featured Comment

How soon after you start dating someone do you decide to be boyfriends? Maybe you are doing it too soon before you really get to know whether the other person is compatible with you or not. Do any of these guys give you any indication of a problem in the relationship before they break up with you or is it always out of the blue? Are you not listening maybe when someone has an issue with what you are doing and then they get fed up? Can you ask a close platonic friend if he notices anything that you are doing that turns people off? Otherwise, it’s just bad luck and very common that you have to date a bunch of people before you find the right one.

lizjames Share Thoughts