The tale of two situationships

Thursday | September 26, 2024

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The tale of two situationships

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This year, I have been in two situationships. The most recent one – with “Stacey” – ended a few weeks ago after she had been pushing me away for about six weeks.

When Stacey and I started seeing each other, it was about a month after my situationship with “Kristen” ended. About two weeks into seeing Stacey, Kristen called me and said she missed me and asked if we could grab a drink. I didn’t tell her about Stacey yet because we had only been on a few dates, and I told Kristen I would let her know. Then, the week after, Kristen asked if she could see me when she got back from vacation, and I broke the news to her about Stacey, ultimately cutting her out of my life for the time being.

Fast forward to summer, after Stacey and I tried being officially in a relationship, she began to pull back, and when I brought it to her attention, she said I was putting too much pressure on her. This led to a huge fight in which she considered breaking up with me, and we ended up taking a week-long break. Stacey and I had this fight on a Friday and she said we would talk about it on Saturday. When Saturday came, she ignored my texts and calls, which threw me into a frenzy. Riddled with anxiety, I reached out to Kristen. She told me she was upset with me for cutting her out of my life. However, we kept talking and she came to my apartment at 1 a.m. that night after being at a party that was close by.

Despite not wanting to talk about Stacey, Kristen gave me advice on how to get Stacey back. Kristen spent the night at my place. We didn’t have sex, but we spent the night cuddling and I kissed her neck.

Kristen’s advice worked and Stacey and I got back together, but it was never the same as before. Stacey’s actions made it clear she didn’t want me, and while I was trying to repair my relationship with Stacey, Kristen asked me to hang out a couple times, but I declined knowing it would probably end my relationship with Stacey had she found out.

Every time I felt Stacey pushing me away, I found myself wanting Kristen more, and wanting to feel the love I felt from her the night she came over. But the timing wasn’t right. I feel like I had a chance to get back together with Kristen, but I was putting my focus on Stacey. Then, when Stacey ended things, Kristen seemed to have lost interest.

Kristen and I talked every day for two weeks straight after she spent the night at my place. But things changed after that. She’s moving to another state soon, and I asked her if I could take her out before she moved and she said she wasn’t interested. She has been insisting that we’re just friends after telling me that she feels like it’s hard for us to be friends when we see each other in person. We tell each other that we love each other and care about each other all the time, but she also tells me we didn’t work out in the first place because I prioritized her over myself.

I guess the purpose of the letter is to get advice on how to get her back. I feel so much love when I’m with her and she brings me so much peace. I think we would be great together if we gave it another chance.

– Missing Kristen

If only you could ask Kristen for advice about how to get Kristen back. She was so helpful when it came to Stacey.

But … my advice is not to get Kristen back. Or Stacey. I don’t want you to get anyone back at all. It would be nice to start fresh.

You want Kristen, but only in comparison to Stacey, who pulled away and left you feeling alone. It was then that you remembered Kristen’s warmth and attention. All that means it that you want someone who can give you that kind of care.

Also, now you understand how you undervalued Kristen’s qualities. Maybe you’ll be less likely to take the good stuff for granted in a new relationship.

My other note here is that … maybe it’s time to stop having situationships. The blurriness of these experiences prevented you from being clear about your feelings, understanding boundaries, and truly figuring out whether a relationship could work. The minute Stacey asked for less, it was probably time to walk away.

You imply that both experiences were a fraction of what they could have been. Perhaps if you looked for full-fledged relationships (all caps, underlined) – with no qualifier – you’d evaluate them better. Maybe you’d give more of yourself to them, in healthier ways. Sometimes it’s nice to admit, “This is happening – and it’s important.”

I think Kristen might agree.

– Meredith

Readers? Is it a good idea to try to get Kristen back? What’s the lesson here?

Send your own question to the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

First let’s tackle the root cause here: situationships. Why did you entertain two? Are you just a non-commital type in general? Look, it’s great to play the field, but don’t be surprised if women pick up on it and don’t want to be a part of it (Kristen). Let both of these women go, and next time you meet someone who is worth it to you, give it a real shot without any external influences from friends or former situationshipees. You’ll feel more confident, whatever the outcome.

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