The big red flag: alcohol

Monday | May 13, 2024

Love Letters Dating

The big red flag: alcohol

Meredith,

I’m stuck in what some might call a situationship, and I hope you can shed some light. I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over two years now. We live in different cities and our work schedules don’t allow us to see each other much, so weekends are our only chance at spending time together.

I also work all week; I’m a single mother trying to run a household with young adult children, so that can take up some of my time on the weekends, as well.

This man and I have shared some amazing time together. The feelings we’ve built for each other continue to get stronger, and we always look forward to being together.

Now for the dramatics. In the two years we’ve been together, I’ve noticed some read flags along the way. He’s definitely got some mental trauma he either refuses to talk about or is using as an excuse for his number one problem – drinking. He does not know how to tolerate his drinking (only on the weekends), and his personality is deeply affected by this.

I’ve suggested counseling, therapy, moral support, and even left him when I noticed this was a habit and affecting our relationship. But I also care about him and love him as a person, so we rekindled while he tried to better himself. Although my kids and close friends know I have a special someone in my life, they have yet to meet him. I refuse to introduce him to anyone in my life until I know for sure I’m not making a huge mistake with this man.

I’m a very private person. I’ve had a hard life, horrible past relationships, and I’m just being cautious. Am I wrong for wanting to protect my feelings and my mentality?

– Cautious

Your boundaries seem fair. You don’t want to bring this man into your kids’ lives until you trust that he can manage his drinking. You don’t want your friends to know him until you’re sure you want him around. I get it.

But I have a question: Do you suspect any of this will change? Ever?

It’s been two years, and it doesn’t sound like you’re any closer to feeling comfortable in the relationship than you were when you first noticed the red flags. Based on what you shared, it doesn’t seem like he’s winning you over by doing consistent work to address his mental health and relationship with alcohol.

I guess I’m wondering how long you’re willing to wait for progress. Because maybe you like compartmentalizing your romantic relationship (many single parents do), but it would also be nice to have someone you can bring around adult friends without panic. It’d be cool to be attached to someone who takes good care of himself so he can be kind to you.

You asked whether you’re wrong to protect your feelings. I’ll say, again, that I understand the cautiousness.

I just wonder what it might take to let go of the whole relationship. Yes, the feelings here are strong, but I assume you don’t want to spend another two years evaluating his behavior.

Sometimes a wonderful person isn’t the right partner. Moving on is an option.

– Meredith

Readers? How long would you wait out red flags? Should the letter writer take a risk and see how this man is around adult friends?

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Alcohol Dating Single parents

Featured Comment

“This isn’t about the drinking, this is about your choice to date a man that you can only see on the weekends, who you’ve diagnosed as mentally unwell and whom you won’t let into your life. Look in the mirror and acknowledge your own unavailability. If you want to use his weekend drinking habits as an excuse to keep that guard up, own it. And if it is really a problem, end it, wish him well, and stay broken up. It’s not your job to ‘fix’ him.”

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