Hi Meredith,

My letter concerns everyone’s favorite dating topic – exes. I am in the very early stages of dating an amazing woman. Our connection is wonderful in an “I never thought I’d find you” kind of way, but the way she talks about and interacts with one of her exes is puzzling to me. Long story short, she dated this guy for a few years, the relationship sounded like a complete and utter disaster, and it ended in an incredibly messy fashion (serial infidelity by him, as I understand it). And yet she keeps him in her life. And not in a casual way. In a talk/text nearly every day and see each other every few weeks way.

When I’ve asked her how she can forget the pain he caused her and keep him as such an active part of her life, she cannot provide an answer. To me, it seems like a continuation of what sounded like an unhealthy, codependent relationship. And that scares me to death given how much I care about her. My annoyance was ratcheted up this weekend when she kept mentioning him, going so far as to state to friends of mine that they “need” to meet him.

I’m all for expanding social circles, but I am not particularly keen on adding people that sound rather toxic. Also, of all the times she talks about friends, she is referring to him maybe half the time. I simply cannot imagine referring to any ex this often. She has resolved to think about what she gets from this relationship a bit more, so that is progress. Questions for you: Am I grossly overreacting to this? And how should I proceed? Leave it alone and let her figure it out? Or remind her that I don’t need to hear about him and his latest exploits on a weekly basis?

– Peace and Love Letters