How Soon Do I Mention My Child?

Wednesday | July 25, 2018

Love Letters Dating

How Soon Do I Mention My Child?

Hi Meredith,

A recent letter from a single father inspired me to finally ask you and readers for advice. I am a full-time working single mom of a toddler (recently divorced). It’s been over a year since my ex and I split, so I have taken time to grieve the loss of a relationship that I thought would last forever. I don’t ever want to live with another man under the same roof, never mind getting married! So I want to meet someone who feels the same way.

Now that I am back “on the market,” I occasionally go out to meet people. It seems that when I say at the beginning that I have a child, there are two outcomes: 1) Some men are simply not interested; 2) Some feel like they are doing me a favor by talking to me. As in, “There are not that many men who would be willing to date a single mom, which makes me a hero, special, or a public benefactor if I do date one.” While I understand Group 1 and respect their decision, I absolutely can’t stand the mindset of the Group 2.

So I’m considering not telling people right away that I am a mom. Ideally, by not telling, a man from Group 1 and I would get to know each other well and build a strong “base” for the relationship – so when he does find out I have a child, at least he’ll know I’m worth the extra effort. Maybe at that point he’d be up for continuing the relationship. But … what is the best approach? Tell right away or later?

– Later?

I understand what you’re trying to accomplish here, but I don’t think you should turn your kid into a secret. You can probably keep your family out of initial conversations, but once you’re really getting to know someone, you’ll want to mention the most important person in your life. It doesn’t have to be some grave, monumental announcement. It’s just like, “Hey, I live in TOWN, I work as JOB, I have this HOBBY, and I share an adorable toddler with my ex-husband.” The end.

I don’t believe that waiting to talk about your child will give you a better shot with Group 1, by the way. If those men are really opposed to dating someone with kids, I can’t imagine that a few nice outings would change their minds. As for Group 2, you want to know early on that those men think they’re doing you a favor. Let them show their true selves so you can walk away.

Dating is frustrating for most people – with or without children – so it might take you a while to find someone who has the right reaction to your family. Consider broadening your settings on dating apps, from age to location. Another cool single parent might live some extra miles away.

Also, think about the language you used when you wrote about what you want in the future. I believe that you’re not interested in marriage, cohabitation, or massive commitments after your divorce. But … words like “never” and “ever” can be limiting. It wouldn’t hurt to be a little open the idea that everything might change.

– Meredith

Readers? Single parents? When do you talk about your children?

Dating

Featured Comment

‘It’s been over a year since my ex and I split, so I have taken time to grieve the loss of a relationship that I thought would last forever.’ Have you, though? You sound, um…pretty angry still, to be honest.

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