He Slept With His Friend After We Met

Friday | March 6, 2020

Love Letters Dating

He Slept With His Friend After We Met

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We live together and everything is great. However, I did the worst thing ever and went through his texts because I just had that unexplainable feeling. He has been texting one of his female friends (we hang out with her quite frequently), and she is professing that she still has feelings for him. He seemed to be telling her that he wants to be just friends, but also wrote a list of talking points to have with her once they have a chance to have a solo conversation. Come to find out, they slept together a couple of times when we first met.

This female friend has always been cold toward me and I had no idea why. Now I know. So I told my boyfriend I went through his phone and found the texts. He was obviously upset I breached his privacy (rightfully so). But he wasn’t apologetic or anything about keeping this from me. She mentioned me in the texts so I felt since I was involved, I have a right to know. So now it seems I have to hang out with her and act like nothing is wrong when clearly there is. They slept together over a year ago so why would she still be hung up on him? He also lied and told me they slept together months before we met.

I don’t know if I can act normal around her now, especially when I’ve tried so hard to get her to like me before knowing this fact. He assured me he doesn’t have feelings for her and says he was trying to keep this to himself so he could solve it and not have it be an issue. However, he is unapologetic about lying to me about when this occurred. I’m just confused.

– Confused

No more snooping. Really. You didn’t ask about that, but you’re going to be tempted to look for updates, to see what messages he sends her over time. Please let him have his privacy. Trust that those talking points will be addressed.

Also be honest with your boyfriend (and yourself) about how much you can fake it in a social setting. If you’re not up for seeing this woman all the time, take a night off. Make sure that when you are in a group, there are at least a few other people in the room who make you feel safe and comfortable. You say, “I’ve tried so hard to get her to like me.” Well, that can stop. I imagine those attempts only made her feel worse; who wants to become best pals with the person who gets to be with your crush? Now you can be polite without feeling like it’s on you to win her over.

I don’t love that your boyfriend lied, but it sounds like he slept with this friend before you were exclusive, before you were entitled to this kind of information. And when he did tell you, it probably didn’t feel smart or helpful to tell you a very specific truth. It would be nice if he apologized, but I don’t think that’s the big issue right now. You’re a lot more concerned about what happens next. If you love and trust your boyfriend, focus on what happens now.

– Meredith

Readers? Apologies for what? How would you approach social time with this woman? Was the LW entitled to this information?

Dating Snooping

Featured Comment

Honestly…I know how you feel. Sometimes you KNOW there is something off, that you’re not getting the full story, and the only way to find out what’s causing that gut feeling is to snoop. We always blame the snooper but the ‘victim’ of the snooping definitely gives cause for distrust half the time. For what it’s worth, I do think it’s weird for him to still be talking and hanging out with a woman he slept with while the two of you are dating.

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