Should I Tell Him I Was A Virgin?

Friday | March 20, 2015

Love Letters Dating

Should I Tell Him I Was A Virgin?

Hi Meredith,

I’ve been dating the most amazing man for about a year and I’m completely in love with him. The feeling is mutual — we’re planning on moving in together in the fall. I’ve always been socially awkward and the perpetual “friend but not girlfriend,” and never expected to find love. I hoped for it, but never imagined I’d find a guy this smart, funny, nerdy, and handsome. I am so happy when I’m around him.

But at 25, I was a virgin when we started dating. I never told him this, because at the beginning I didn’t think it would turn into anything serious (my track record with dating was practically nonexistent). I wasn’t a virgin for any specific reason, just that I hadn’t found someone I was comfortable with in that way. But with him something clicked and, well, we have a great sex life. Really great.

We’ve been dating for so long that I feel like I owe him the truth about my virginity, especially since he’s always been very open with me. Although I’ve never lied, I’ve always dodged questions about earlier boyfriends, simply telling him that I didn’t have much experience and that he is my first serious boyfriend (true, but omitting the important v-card disclosure). I honestly have no idea how he would react, and I’m embarrassed that I went so long before losing my virginity. How do I tell him? Or is this a secret I should bury?

– The Secret

In six-plus years of Love Letters, we’ve seen a bunch of notes from people who were virgins long into their 20s. Here’s one. Here’s another one.

Maybe it means that virgins like to write into advice columns. More likely it means that lots of people wait to have sex. The last Kinsey study I read about this said that 49 percent of women (and 46 percent of men) lose their virginity by 17. That means everybody else is doing their own thing.

My point is, you’re treating this like it’s a big, terrible, embarrassing secret, and it just isn’t. Lots of people take their time. Your boyfriend already knows that you didn’t have much experience before you met him. If you want to tell him that he was your first, go for it, but please don’t make it a big confession. You don’t owe him “the truth,” like you’ve been hiding a lie. There shouldn’t be any shame in your disclosure.

Readers? Should she tell him about this? Is it that big of a deal?

– Meredith

Sex 🖤 Dating

Featured Comment

I didn’t tell the guy I lost it with that I was a virgin. In fact I may have *slightly* overemphasized my own experience. What can I say? He was a really nice guy and I thought he might want to ‘discuss,’ and I was ready to get laid.

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