Should I tell my friend I'm in love with him?

Monday | January 29, 2024

Love Letters Dating

Should I tell my friend I’m in love with him?

What’s been on your mind about your single/dating/married experiences? Ask anything. It helps others who have similar questions.

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Hi! I’ve been in love with the same guy for almost four years. We grew up together, we’ve been friends since we were six, and he has no idea how I feel. That’s mostly because this is a friendship I really don’t want to lose, but also because he’s had a long-distance girlfriend for the last two years or so.

We’re both in college (over a thousand miles apart), so we only see each other in person when we go home for breaks. It’s not uncommon for us to go a few weeks without talking. It doesn’t matter; we know each other well enough that when we do talk or see each other, it’s like no time has passed.

He genuinely understands me in a way very few other people do, we have each other’s backs, we’ve worked together, and somehow we always have something to talk about despite our very different interests. I’ve struggled socially for most of my life; even when we were kids and I barely said a word to him, he never gave me a hard time or stopped trying to reach out.

I’m demisexual and demiromantic, so going out and finding someone else to help me get over him isn’t an option for me; I have zero interest in any of that stuff.

At this point, I don’t even know if I’m looking to get over him at all. I’m just looking to have days where he isn’t the first and last thing I’m thinking about. I want to be happy for him when he tells me he’s visiting his girlfriend, instead of wanting to throw my phone out the window. It’s gotten to a point where I can’t be around happy couples without being vaguely miserable (which is bad, because my best friend and her boyfriend have gotten very serious, very fast).

Any advice? Should I just suck it up and tell him and risk losing him in the process? Clearly distance and focusing on other things hasn’t helped, so what next steps are left?

– Stuck In Love

My advice is to stay busy with new activities, and to talk to people who share your interests.

Maybe those strangers will become friends. That’s the goal here – to find more cool companions who can chat, take walks, eat out … whatever you like.

It’s a daunting ask, right? You said you have trouble in social situations, and I get that. But this can be a slow process. Club activities tend to require basic communication. They give people something to talk about. Sign up for two groups. If you’re already in five, make it seven.

Of course you’ll keep your old friends, including the object of your affection. But I doubt he’ll be the first thing you think about in the morning if you have to run out to do something great.

I have to wonder whether your feelings for the love at home became more urgent after your best friend found a serious boyfriend. If your closest companion couples up, it’s easy to say, “Wait, what’s my version of this? I want that now.” If you’re around fun, single people who are using college to get to know themselves and many others, you might lean into that experience.

I don’t know if the guy from home is your best partner for the future, but you don’t either. You don’t have to tell him anything right now. Take small steps to see who else makes you happy.

– Meredith

Readers? Disclose feelings to the friend? How can the LW focus on other things? Any advice for developing meaningful friendships when it’s not easy to be social?

College 🖤 Dating Distance Crush

Featured Comment

“Your question seems to be if you should risk telling him about your feelings. I assume the ideal response from him would be that he also has feelings for you and you two can therefore start a romantic relationship. Maybe? But remember he is already IN a relationship and if he was interested in ditching that relationship for you, he could have explored that option with you already, and he has not. Another outcome from telling him might be he says he doesn’t feel the same way and you get ‘closure’ so you have an answer and can move on. I mean, go for it if you want. As you said yourself this could risk the friendship you have if things become awkward afterwards.”

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