Should I be dating if I know I plan to move?

Thursday | August 22, 2024

Love Letters Dating

Should I be dating if I know I plan to move?

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Hi Meredith,

I (mid-30s woman) want to find a long-term partner after being single for a few years and doing some work after my last breakup. (I’ll note I’m childfree [do not want kids], so don’t have that pressure at least).

I’m also really ready to find a new job, and this search is taking much longer than I’d hoped. I’ve been looking for jobs in my current city, but also closer to my family (currently a flight away) where it’s also more affordable to live on a single income. After my last relationship ended, I realized there’s no guarantee I’ll find a life partner, so want to situate myself to be in a good place for the long-term, even if single. However, I’m not ruling out my current city and would stay here for the right job or the right person—but only after enough time has passed to feel it’s truly serious.

The last time I switched jobs, I took a break from dating since I was in the same situation, but a therapist I saw last year encouraged me not to stop dating this time around and not put my life on hold because of the job search. My dilemma is how to think about building a life with someone when my own life circumstances are currently uncertain.

For example, I want on a date (that fizzled out for other reasons) in which the guy had just moved back to my city to be near his family. I felt weird revealing that there was a chance that I would be doing the same thing, but in reverse. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t want to start dating someone who could then up and leave any day. I’ve never felt comfortable dating casually, so don’t think that option is right for me. Ultimately I’m OK taking a pause from dating, but do worry that I’ll miss out on someone great (it’s rare for me to find a good connection) and I’d really love to have a partner.

What is your opinion about whether I should still be dating right now while things feel uncertain? How can I broach this in dates without scaring someone away while also being fair and upfront with them?

– Up in the Air

It would be fantastic to learn how to think about a bunch of opportunities at once.

Multi-tasking can be really difficult, especially when you’re focused. But it’s a great skill to have.

Some reasons it would be nice to keep dating:

1. It gives you a distraction from this massive job-search goal, which I imagine takes a lot of energy.

2. It teaches you to be more open to all possibilities, and to go into dates with different goals. Would it be so bad to see someone for a few months, learn something about yourself, and move on? It’s not about being casual, necessarily; it’s about figuring out what you want in a partner.

3. Related to Point 2, you don’t want to get home after finding the right job and enter “Must find spouse!” mode. That might be off-putting to others – and bad for you. If you learn how to let things unfold naturally, you’ll be less likely to scare people off by saying, “I just moved home and can plan an entire life with you, if this goes well.”

4. You never know what will happen. Someone in your city might be from your hometown.

5. You might find a great job and stay. That’s a real possibility.

6. I know a bunch of people who met someone fantastic right as they were about to leave a place. There’s something to that, for sure; they probably went into those first dates confident and excited, showing their best selves without having to try. You get to date in your city with that kind of boldness – knowing the stakes are low, and that you have plans either way. That attitude might make you very compelling. Enjoy that.

I was reading a Refinery29 essay the other day by a woman who felt like her 30s were spent waiting. It was mostly about fertility, but the concept felt universal to me. So often we think, “I’ll find love after a job. I’ll find a job after this one extra degree. I’ll find more friends after caregiving for a parent. I’ll finally take up pickleball after I retire.”

Your life doesn’t start later; it’s already happening, right? You might as well do all the things, within reason, as your schedule permits.

– Meredith

Readers? Date? Put off dating if you’re not feeling it?

What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Friendships? Dating? Divorce? Adjusting to change? Ask your own question. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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