We’ve had a pack of letters from people who have secret crushes on their friends. They’re all worried about ruining the friendship, losing the person they love, or pushing what they have in the wrong direction.

I keep telling them to come clean – because once the feelings are there, and one person is thinking about the possibility of love (or sex) all the time, the relationship is different anyway.

In your case, I wonder: would it be better to keep this crush to yourself, pining for your friend as you watch him move ahead with his life, perhaps dating other people, unaware that you have feelings for him? Or would it be easier to tell him you have feelings, ask if he might want to do anything about them, and get some answers before things get too big and important.

It sounds like you could get over a rejection now – that you’d be able to reset if he told you he doesn’t want more. But in another five years? That might be harder, especially if you’ve been waiting for some sign that he reciprocates.

I will say that when I look back on my own undisclosed crushes, which I had in my 20s, I wish I would have spoken up. But I also understand that in a few cases, I liked the unrequited, silent longing. I think I kept silent because I wasn’t ready for more. That makes me wonder: are you?

I’d like to know from commenters whether they’ve ever told someone how they feel … and then regretted it. Usually people tell me that even if it went poorly, it was a good restart to a relationship that needed to change anyway. But I’d love to hear stories of what happened after you told someone you’ve been pining for them. Also, any advice for what to say?

– Meredith

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