He Says Something’s Missing
Good chat yesterday with talk about virtual gaming and people who don’t eat on dates.
Also, I’m still looking for some office-related letters (work romances, crushes, breakups, etc.), so send. (Send other letters, too.)
Q.Hi Meredith,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now. He’s one of the most thoughtful people I know, and I feel like there’s potential for this relationship to blossom into something so much more.
However, he feels like “something is missing” – and he’s unsure of what exactly that “something” is. He says he’s also not sure whether he’ll ever be able to say “I love you,” and admits that he struggles when he thinks about our future.
Some background: Several months ago we took a week break. Due to birth control changes, my anxiety and depression was so unpredictable that I was driving everyone away. However, we decided it would only be fair to us to try again. Since then, it’s been wonderful. He has seemed so much more himself, acting silly, showing more affection both in public and not, and communicating a lot better. That’s why this recent conversation really blindsided me.
He says that despite the good changes, his feelings haven’t grown the way they should have by now (even though his actions say something different). Do we just walk away from this? Are there ways to continue to explore and find out what’s missing? I’d appreciate some advice.
– I’m not ready to move on, but he may be.
A.Some of these questions are for him. Does he want space? To break up? Is there a way for him to figure out what’s missing without ending the relationship? If he hasn’t been clear about his needs, it’s time to ask for answers.
Most likely, it is time to walk away – and that’s probably best for both of you. He wants to explore what’s missing, and you need to remember what life is like when you’re not worrying about the approval of someone else. I know you don’t want to end this, but you also don’t want to live with so much uncertainty.
For the record, I do know of some couples that went through “something’s missing” phases, fought off all breakups, and wound up staying together for good. But those examples were the outliers.
Also, for those couples, the problems were always more about timing (they felt too young, inexperienced, etc.). In your case, you and your boyfriend have everything you need for relationship success, and he can’t quite get there. That says plenty.
– Meredith
Readers? Should they walk away? Is this about what happened a few months ago?
Be civil. Be kind.
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