He Says We’re ‘best Friends’

Monday | August 22, 2016

Love Letters Dating

He Says We’re ‘best Friends’

Hi Meredith,

I’m a 27-year-old woman who met a charming 30-year-old man several months ago. We talk every day, and when we hang out, everything is perfect. He treats me like a girlfriend, he says he likes me, we are intimate, and there is literally nothing I can complain about … except whenever we discuss relationships, he always says he’s not ready and that we are “best friends.”

He doesn’t mean it in the sense that he’s not ready for a relationship with me; he says he does not want a relationship with anyone. He says he’s not ready for anything serious, he’s not far enough in his career, and he’s not successful enough for women to respect him. He wants me to go out and date other people, but he doesn’t want me to wander too far from him. He says a lot of things like, “I’m the one you’re always going to come back to.”

I feel as though I have to draw the line somewhere. It doesn’t feel like “best friends” at all. But at the same time, I don’t want to cut ties with him. Is there any further analyzing that could be done here? Am I in the wrong for feeling confused about all this?

– Friend

This letter started out OK. Sometimes it takes people some time to admit they’re in (and want) a relationship. But then I got to the part about him not being successful enough for women to respect him. Is he talking about you or other women? Are you the person keeping him company until he feels better about himself?

I know you don’t want to cut ties, and I believe that you have good times together, but this man is weird about his self-worth, he downplays your connection, and he’s been very clear about the fact that he wants you to date other people. Worst of all, he’s manipulative. He tells you to date others, but that you must return to him, always. What gives him the right to script your future?

Your gut tells you something’s off, and you know you’re not “best friends” (for the record, a friend wouldn’t treat you like this). Let him go so you can look for what you really want. It’s time to start scripting yourself.

– Meredith

Readers? Any reason to give this more time?

Dating

Featured Comment

What he’s really articulating to you is ‘I’m not feeling this enough to justify more commitment.’ I bet he truly believes the reasons he feels this way are his place in life, his income, his ‘readiness,’ etc. etc. Humans will invent and delude themselves into believing all kinds of rationales to explain their doubts about something when they don’t want to lose the status quo…But whether he’s a master manipulator or just not very self-aware ultimately doesn’t matter. This is not your guy. This is not how it’s supposed to look. You need to cut ties to move on. Remind yourself that while losing the good times will hurt, you aren’t losing something that had real potential.

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