Saw my friend's wife on an app

Thursday | April 4, 2024

Love Letters Dating

Saw my friend’s wife on an app

What’s been on your mind about dating, not dating, apps, breakups, or friendships? Send a letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

And an extra announcement! Love Letters is hosting a screening of “The Idea of You,” about a single mom who is courted by a boy band star, this month – in Boston. It’ll be a fun night of hanging out and watching Anne Hathaway be an object of affection. If you want to enter to attend, sign up here.

This is an odd one because it’s not really my issue with dating.

I have been using the dating apps and have not had a ton of luck, but I did run into a rather uncomfortable situation. While on one of the apps I came across a familiar face. I couldn’t pin it down at first but then went to social media and realized it was a friend’s wife.

I don’t know what to do. They are not in any open relationship, and now whenever I go to see them I am going to wonder if she knows that I know. Do I tell my friend, the husband, or do I confront her or do I leave it be?

– Familiar Face

How close are you with this friend? You don’t seem to know his wife very well. (The fact that you couldn’t place her face tells me that might be the case.)

I wonder if you’re 100 percent sure you know their relationship status.

They might have broken up. They might be open.

It doesn’t sound like she was on there with a fake name, attempting a covert search for extra partners.

Maybe ask this friend how his relationship is going. Then make a decision.

We’ve had versions of this questions over the years, and there’s no right answer that makes the letter writer feel good. If you tell your friend what you know, you risk so much. You might lose him because you’re attached to the narrative. If you don’t tell, it might feel like a betrayal.

Find out if the picture is, in fact, this woman (I can’t tell if you’ve ID’d her with 100 percent confidence). If you have a very close friend who knows everyone involved, you could ask that person for advice – and information.

Also, if you took a screenshot of the profile, make sure it’s not some weird AI bot thing. Is there real information on there? Are there a bunch of pics?

In the end, if she’s on there for real, you might want to share. Or not. Your gut (or a closer friend) will guide you.

It’s all messy. Think about what you can live with, and prepare for relationships to change.

(Also, write back about your own relationship life. Sounds like you could talk about those apps.)

– Meredith

Readers? Tell? Don’t tell? Ask a mutual friend? Send your own question to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

Dating Cheating Friends

Featured Comment

“I was in a similar situation in my 20s. I saw a photo of a very close friend’s boyfriend with another woman I knew from college and confirmed he dated her. I ended up telling my close friend. I thought if it were me, I would want to know. She confronted him, they talked it out, and got engaged. The day before the wedding, he backed out. My point is that my telling her made no difference. I would not say anything. It’s also possible the profile is old and she just never took it down.”

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