Thanks for your confidence in my advice. You could send this letter to a sex columnist, too. I’d be curious to see whether their answer is different.

My take: we’re in an on-demand world. There are apps for just about everything.

If you’re seeking women, apps can help, including Her, which seems to have filters for about everything and is designed for “queer, bisexual and lesbian dating.” (I’m not giving a first-hand endorsement of Her, for the record; I just try to keep track of what apps are in the mix.)

Make sure that when you chat with someone, it leads to an in-person, safe meeting – and quickly. Don’t give anybody any money.

If someone won’t make plans on your terms, drop them from your contact list. Make sure at least one friend knows who you’re talking to and when you’re out with strangers. Maybe you want to keep these experiences private, but disclosure is for your safety.

There are also in-person ways to figure out what you might like – in the form of education. There are BSDM groups that host non-BDSM activities (like get-togethers, education sessions, etc). That’s a way in – learning more and meeting people who can introduce you to a community. Do some googling.

In Boston, I tell people to visit a store like Good Vibrations because it aims promote pleasure and sexual health, and sometimes the staff host events that are designed to answer questions.

My last thought is sex therapy. I’ve been interviewing a lot of sex therapists lately, and their big goal is to help people enjoy themselves – in a healthy way. Look for a clinician who’s certified as a sex therapist. You can go there to talk about your life, but you’ll know they have this speciality.

In summary: swipe on some apps. Tell a friend. Don’t give random people any money. Go to classes (you can pay a small fee for a class, if necessary). Join discussion groups. Find a sex therapist. Be safe. 

Have a good time. Report back!

– Meredith