Dear Meredith,

A few months ago, I met a pretty terrific guy. We are both in our late 30s and cautiously seeking marriage and family (I say cautiously because between the two of us, we’ve endured a failed marriage and a failed engagement). We have an intense connection that translates into sexual chemistry and intellectual compatibility. When we are together I feel satisfied and like I want to know more.

The problem is that the relationship feels one-sided in terms of how integrated we’ve become in each other’s lives. He’s met several of my friends and will be meeting my whole family next weekend. No one in his life even knows I exist. I understand that people have to come to these things in their own time, but it’s no fun feeling like someone’s secret girlfriend, and this is not a dynamic I’ve experienced in past exclusive relationships.

Also, there is an imbalance in level of engagement. My prior boyfriends were fairly high contact, but this guy is practically mute. He will always reply to texts and emails (eventually), but often in one-word answers or in a way that completely ignores whatever I just said (which, if it was a particularly sexy or sweet message, makes me feel like a complete idiot). I’ve spoken to him about all of this, playfully and directly, and he admitted that he’s gotten this feedback from pretty much every woman he’s every been with but doesn’t know how to do better. Then he will go on to be so lovely and expressive, and I will melt, and the relationship goes on while resentment builds.

I’m sure you get plenty of these letters, and I know I have to know my own relationship needs and when to call it a day with someone who can’t meet them. I also know it’s very early, and impatience has never served anyone well in the search for long-term commitment. And I’m aware that the comparisons I’m making to former flames are not helping the situation (other than to give me a barometer for reasonable expectations). But this is supposed to be the fun part, and I can feel some bitterness seeping into our foundation. In your view, is it best to slow down the introductions and engagement on my part in order to match his slower pace and alleviate the imbalance? Or to throw in the towel now given that we aren’t naturally moving in sync? Or is there a more effective way to communicate with him about these sore spots?

– Holding the Towel (for now)