My Friend’s Toxic Relationship

Tuesday | December 30, 2014

Love Letters Dating

My Friend’s Toxic Relationship

For New Year’s we’ll have a list of the Top 10 most popular letters of the year. Can you guess No. 1? (Hint: It did not involve Craigslist or Uber.)

Hi Meredith,

My best friend is in a relationship that is obviously unhealthy. For the last six months she has been seeing someone who is clearly bad news. They jumped pretty immediately to “I love you,” and that is when things got sour. We have lunch weekly and speak often, so I hear about EVERYTHING. I have met him, as has her family, and he seems to have his act together. But this fails to alleviate my concerns. Eight out of 10 times, I get a 3 a.m. text from her saying that they had a huge blow up and she “ruined everything.”

She’s an emotional person, and I’m deeply concerned for her. I have made two things clear:

1) I love her unconditionally, and so I love him because she does.

2) I am worried that his temper is out of hand.

I don’t want to alienate her or shove my opinions down her throat, and I’ve been very careful to not cross that line. It’s just really obvious that this is unhealthy, and by the way things are going I’m very concerned that he will become physical. I know that she sees this too, but is obviously very much in love.

I do not want to tell her what to do, but I’m really scared. How can I help my friend without ostracizing her? Is that even possible? Please help.

– He’s Toxic

The thing about writing an advice column is that people have written in to get advice. They’ve asked to get an opinion shoved down their throats, as you put it.

In your case, you haven’t really been asked for guidance. Your friend is simply telling you what’s happening, so you’re right, it won’t do you much good to tell her what to do.

What you can do is ask questions and reiterate your concerns. You can ask her how she “ruined everything.” You can ask her how he works out that temper. You can repeat some of her answers back to her so she hears what she’s saying. There’s a reason therapists love to paraphrase.

Also, you don’t have to pretend to love him just because she does. Make it clear that he has to earn the love of her friends by being a good partner to you. And make sure that you balance all of this talk by telling her about your life. Don’t let her become so involved in her relationship that she stops seeing what’s around her.

Readers? How do you give advice to a friend in a bad relationship?

– Meredith

Dating