My partner is a 'serious flirt'

Tuesday | June 25, 2024

Love Letters Dating

My partner is a ‘serious flirt’

I have been dating my partner for a little over two years. I love so many things about our relationship. We have both had previous long-term relationships and have taken important lessons from them. We share core values, enjoy our time together, and generally support each other.

One part of our relationship that makes me question the long-term potential of our partnership is the way he interacts with other women and my reaction to it. He is a serious flirt: leaning in, intense eye contact, LOTS of touching, compliments, gifts, and suggestive jokes. This doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does I feel embarrassed, disrespected, and seriously confused about our relationship. This can happen with old friends or new acquaintances. A couple of times women have even asked me for his contact info, not realizing our relationship.

The good news is that we can and have talked about it. But he says he’s just being friendly. I don’t know at this point if I’m insecure and need to let it go, or if it’s a red flag that he seeks this kind of attention. It’s nearly a dealbreaker for me, but I worry that I would be giving up some great stuff when maybe it’s me who needs to do some work.

– Touchy

Can he be friendly without touching people? That would be a start!

Ask him how he’d feel about that boundary.

Also let him know that in 2024, the suggestive jokes and touching might not go over so well with someone he’s just met.

The red flag, to me, is that he hasn’t said, “Let me pull back on some of my go-to friendship moves, because I don’t want to hurt or confuse anyone – especially you.”

Because you’re not asking him to avoid other women. You have no desire to isolate him like so many partners of other letter writers. You want him to be himself, just less … intimate.

If he’s not interested in changing his behavior at all, he’s not a bad person, it’s just a bad match. This might be part of the core of who he is, and if that’s the case, it doesn’t sound like he’ll meet you halfway.

Hopefully, though, after another conversation – with a specific request – he can adjust.

– Meredith

Readers? Red flag? Just a bad match? Do you live with a flirt and have ways to deal? Should the LW learn to be comfortable with this behavior? What should the specific request be?

Send me a letter – because sharing your questions and problems helps other people feel less alone with theirs. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

“Well, after two years and having conversations about it, where he didn’t even offer to try to dial it back, I think it’s fair to say he has no intention of changing. That means you have to decide to either accept him as he is or move on. You don’t give any details about the ‘great stuff’ you would be giving up, but it doesn’t seem like it’s THAT great, or you either would have mentioned it or you never would have written the letter.”

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