My friend thought I was coming out to her

Wednesday | January 7, 2026

Love Letters Dating

My friend thought I was coming out to her

What’s on your mind about your relationship life in 2026? Friendships, romantic relationships, family? Send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected].

I’m 31 and was single for a large majority of my 20s. Then I recently ended a relationship that lasted two years. My friends are curious when I’m going to get serious about moving in with someone, marriage, etc. – the things they are all moving toward.

To be honest, I’m not feeling a pull toward it right now. I do love my friends, but I need people who relate to my current lifestyle (single with no kids) and I’m more interested in expanding my hobbies.

Recently I told one friend that in all of my years of dating, I struggle to find men who are romantically attracted to me and I to them. There are plenty I’m friends with. Others who think I’m funny or have a great personality. Some who are sexually attracted to me, but nothing else. I suggested maybe I’m just dating out of my league in terms of looks.

She asked if this was my way of coming out to her and dating women instead. I thought it was funny at first, now I’m wondering why I seem to struggle so much more than my peers with men and romance. It’s so hard for me to connect with it that I just focus on other things.

– Disconnected

I think you’re asking for advice about why you struggle with romance. But I’m not sure you do.

You had a two-year relationship. You have crushes on men, and sometimes they have crushes on you. You haven’t felt a strong desire to make romance the center of your life, but that’s OK. Hobbies are great. So is being single.

My advice is related to what you said about needing different friends. Maybe your group is fantastic, and I’m sure there’s a lot of history there, but it also sounds like you could use a new community of people in their 30s who focus on work, going out, and other activities.

You happen to be in a pack of peers with similar paths and priorities (say that five times fast), but at 31, I was more like you. I was spending money on concert tickets, and trying to figure out a way to afford to see Spain. I had friends who were brave about love and focused on finding partners, but I also had a group of companions (often, my Boston Globe friends) whose “big life moments” didn’t have to do with love at all.

Prioritize finding one or two new people who are single like you. Perhaps you can elevate an acquaintance who seems to share your values. That’s the key here – to find context and new company, so you know there are a zillion ways to live your life.

Last thing: tell your friends (or one person, the most empathetic of the bunch) that when you talk about this, you could use their support. Explain that you’re hard enough on yourself, and that you can use the occasional reminder that you’re on your own schedule, happy with your life, and doing great.

As for the friend who thought you were coming out, I hope she was nice about it. I hope she can be open to the idea that some people don’t date for a few years at a time. If not, that’s another reason to grow and change your circle.

– Meredith

Readers? New friends? Are there unique struggles with dating in this letter? Help someone in their early 30s find some context.

What’s on your mind about your relationship life in 2026? Friendships, romantic relationships, family? Send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected].

Dating Friends