My Boyfriend’s Stress Is Stressing Me Out

Thursday | January 28, 2016

Love Letters Dating

My Boyfriend’s Stress Is Stressing Me Out

She’s young. Be helpful.

Dear Meredith,

Let me just start by saying that I am only 19 but dealing with a long-term relationship. I am still dating my high school sweetheart and we have been together for five years, going on six. We met at such a young age, and time has flown by rapidly. I love him and he loves me. In a way, it’s almost as if he is family, and if you know anything about family, it’s that there are always secrets and some pain. However, there are more good memories than bad. We seem to always get through the little obstacles, although this time, I just can’t seem to see past it.

My boyfriend is a full-time college basketball athlete. I am a full-time college student with many activities. Just that alone keeps us both more than busy. Somehow, I always manage to find time together. The keyword there is “I.” He has been having a terrible year with grades and his basketball season. He’s just all over the place. I can see that I make a difference in his life as far as happiness, but I can only carry so much of his stress. It’s changing him as a person and I tell him that, but he can’t seem to trust the process and just stop being so down all the time. What makes our situation even more difficult is that we are in two separate cities and colleges, about two hours apart. I spend most of my weekends and holidays visiting. We take turns visiting each other. My big question is: How do I tell him I’m starting to become unhappy? Or should I just be understanding that this is a rough patch in his life? His stress plus my stress is overwhelming. I am caught in between these emotions and frankly, I just want my best friend back.

– Stressed Out

“In a way, it’s almost as if he is family, and if you know anything about family, it’s that there are always secrets and some pain.”

Sometimes … but not always. Some families are pros at communication. Some families avoid some secrets and pain by talking about problems before they become larger than life.

Be like those families and talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. Act like a best friend and explain that you’re worried about his stress, and that you’re struggling to help. Advise him to talk to a campus counselor, because sometimes it’s not so easy to “stop being so down all the time.” Tell him that his issues are very real, which means it’s time to get real help. He might like your advice in the moment, but that’s OK. Let him hear you out.

Also, as you deal with this rough patch, tell him what you need from him. If you’ve had a bad day, let him know. If you need some cheering up, allow him to try to be your best friend. Sometimes the best way to get out of your head is to be there for someone else.

Readers? Should she suggest counseling? Is this just a rough patch?

– Meredith

Dating

Featured Comment

Keep in mind, LW, that you’re not his counselor or therapist. He might not be able to

stop being so down,u0022 but additionally, it can’t fall on your shoulders to make him not be that way.nTake a little time to give your relationship some serious thought. It’s possible that this has just run its natural course. It’s painful, but not the end of everything.u0022 – mabbitty Share Thoughts