My boyfriend's friends hate me

Tuesday | October 29, 2024

Love Letters Dating

My boyfriend’s friends hate me

My boyfriends friends hate me. What do I do?

I’m 18 and I’ve been dating my first boyfriend for three months now. Most of my experiences with boys have been … nothing encouraging. I almost considered joining a nunnery before my boyfriend took me out and proved that boys can pay for dinner and expect nothing in return.

He’s a great guy — blue collar, sufficient student, soccer player. He broke up with his last girlfriend earlier this year because she wouldn’t let him socialize with friends (according to him). Psycho, right? From my perspective, he kinda strives for the validation of this friend group he’s found himself in. I want girls my age like me, too.

But when he would throw parties, friends of his called me a pity invite. Oh well, just teenagers, I thought. I asked him, hey, I can’t make your friends like me, but I’d appreciate it if you defended my name if they say bad things about me. He agreed.

Recently, though, it’s since gotten to the point where they’ll joke about punching me – and more jests I’d rather not type. When I brought it up to him two days later, he doesn’t remember – but certainly they were just being teenagers, he claims. I’ve told him that his friends don’t have to like me, and I’m OK with him socializing. But it’s gotten to the point where I’m just disappointed and conflicted.

Does he love me enough to defend my name to them, or is masculine validation more important? Do I dump him or talk it out?

I need the help of Boston readers. I realize this is one of the most naïve choices I can make, it’s all either in the name of teenage love or just to prove a subconscious point to myself.

– Anonymous

You wouldn’t be breaking up with your boyfriend to “prove a subconscious point.”

You’d be leaving the relationship because he’s not mature or self-confident enough to be a good friend to you.

You want to be with someone who’s kind – who prioritizes your comfort. Sure, everyone here is young, but not that young! At 18, you can vote. Drive. Make choices about your own future. You can also understand that threatening to punch someone is horrible behavior.

It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is ready to be in a respectful relationship.

You say you’re “disappointed and conflicted.” At three months, it would be nicer to feel all blissed out. I know I said this to a letter writer the other day, but basically … don’t set the bar so low that you stay with someone just because they seem to be a pretty good human being on paper.

He’s not bringing enough happiness to your life. His friends are dealbreakers. Even at 18, we do not wait for people to grow out of things. We simply move on and do our own growing.

You can end this relationship and call it a learning experience.

Also know: I’ve heard a lot of people call their exes “crazy,” especially when I was younger. Isn’t it interesting that so many of these exes were women?

When someone is that reductive about ex – and uses that specific word as an insult (which is not OK!) – think about what the person means. Perhaps your boyfriend’s ex was asking him to let go of friends who made crass and scary jokes about causing her physical harm. If so, that sounds like a fair request! Let that be a lesson, too.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this enough for a breakup? What do you put up with from a significant other’s friends – and where do you draw the line?

Send your own question! I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].