‘Love Is Just A Word’

Friday | November 18, 2016

Love Letters Dating

‘Love Is Just A Word’

Still looking for updates from former letter writers. If you have an update, please send to meredith.goldstein at globe. Put “update” in the subject line and include your original email address so I know it’s you.

Dear Meredith,

I’ve been dating a guy for nearly five years. We are both in our 50s and divorced. Very early on, while discussing our failed marriages, he was expressing how incompatible he and his ex-wife had been. I commented that he must have loved her at one point in their relationship, and his response was “love is just a word.” I decided then that I would not be the one to say “I love you” first, if this turned into something long-term. His ex was unfaithful and he was oblivious, so I can sort of understand his thought process.

Fast forward five years. He is kind and considerate. He cares for my grown children as if they were his own. We are compatible, enjoy each other’s company, and have common interests. He talks of how we will spend our retirement together. He certainly behaves as if he loves me, but I have to admit it bothers me that he has yet to utter those three little words. I feel that I am holding back from fully committing emotionally to him. Should I let go of the expectation that he will ever verbalize what I think he feels? Should I just let his actions speak louder than his unspoken words?

– Are they truly just words?

To be fair, he has verbalized some of what he feels. He talks about spending retirement with you. That’s a big deal.

Still, I think it’s time for you to use your words to tell him how much you care about him. Half of the frustration here comes from the fact that you’re censoring yourself to match his behavior. You can be transparent and say, “I know you’re not an ‘I love you’ guy – I remember that conversation from when we started dating – but I want you to know how much I appreciate this relationship.” Get specific about why. If you show him other ways to articulate love, he might get some ideas about how to do it himself.

Actions are great, but the longer I write this column, the more confident I get that the words are necessary, too. For some people, those three little words will always be meaningless – or will mean too much – but there are so many other words out there. Stay. Forever. Happy. Cherish. Hilarious. Excited. Unexpected. Comforting. Content. The list goes on and on.

Let him know you’re open to hearing whatever words might apply to what you’ve been doing for five years.

– Meredith

Readers? Actions and words?

Dating

Featured Comment

u0022Not saying how you feel has become a competitive sport in your relationship. Games are rarely a healthy sign.nTell him how you feel, and see what he says. If you can live with what he says back, then you’ve eliminated your worries. If you can’t, well then at least you’ll know.u0022 – wizen

Share Thoughts