Living Together Isn’t Fun

Monday | February 2, 2015

Love Letters Dating

Living Together Isn’t Fun

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and have lived together for six months. He is the most hard-working person I know. He literally works two jobs, seven days a week right now, including a few nights, and hardly complains.

He’s doing his best to get on a 40-hour-a-week, 9-5 schedule. However, I feel that since we have moved in together, our relationship has become stale, tumultuous, and exhausting. I’m constantly asking for more attention and love than he is giving me, but I’m unsure if this is how relationships are supposed to feel once you move in together and get into a regular routine.
He doesn’t seem excited to see me after work, or ever for that matter. I make dinner for us, we watch TV, and then we go to sleep. He used to take me out on great dates to places I had never been before when we lived separately, but that’s completely stopped. I do all of the cleaning and cooking around our apartment and work a full-time job that I’m happy with.

I’ve addressed this issue to him numerous times with no change, sparking several arguments. The fights have been increasing and the time in the bedroom has been decreasing. We have sex once every two to three weeks, and every time we do I am the one initiating it. It just seems as though he’s lost all interest in me.

Am I over analyzing our relationship? Or being too dramatic? Should I try harder or call it quits?

– Lonely and Bored in Boston

Sometimes move-ins are tough. It can take months to establish a new routine and to get used to what it’s like to have a romantic partner share your space. It’s not unusual for there to be less dates and more dinners in front of the television. You can’t turn to each other for entertainment all of the time.

Instead of asking your boyfriend for more attention, find whether he’s enjoying any part of this new life. A simple “Does this work for you?” might shed some light on what’s happening. Maybe it’s work stress. Maybe he needs more space. Let him know that you’re open to hearing the truth and that you want to make this better for both of you.

If he doesn’t want to talk about the problems — or he’s content with the status quo — you have to consider moving out. Some couples are just better at dating than sharing their lives. But ask for honesty before you make that decision. It sounds like he hasn’t been clear about his needs.

Readers? What’s happening here? Will this get better when he gets on a better work schedule? How do you manage your expectations when you move in with someone?

– Meredith

Dating Living Together