He Lives With His Ex And Their Kids

Monday | May 8, 2017

Love Letters Dating

He Lives With His Ex And Their Kids

Reminder: I’m looking for updates from former letter writers. Send an update (include your original email address so I know it’s you) to [email protected]. Put “update” in the subject line. Let us know how it all worked out.

I recently started dating a man who has three children and lives with his ex. I have been to the house and know they have separate rooms. He has reassured me that there is nothing between them and that he has no feelings for her because she cheated on him.

She lives there because she hasn’t worked in many years and has no income – and because she is the mother of his children. He spends whatever time he can with me and then goes home to take care of the kids and sleep. My concern – and something I can’t seem to shake – is they still do things together like shop for clothes and holiday gifts for the kids. They have gone out as a family since we started dating, and they have taken family day trips. How do I stop myself from feeling anxiety about them doing things together?

-Very confused

If this guy lived in his own place, would you get upset about him taking a day trip with his family or shopping with his ex? Probably not. You’d see it as co-parenting, which is what it is. The real issue here is that he lives with her, and that his situation doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon.

You need to ask yourself how comfortable you are dating a man who’s still living with someone else. You also need to talk to him about what he’s working toward when it comes to his home life. Does he see the family living together in a year? In five? What happens if he wants to get closer to someone he really likes?

The deal-breaker here is not family time, so don’t make it about that. Focus on how he plans to turn separate rooms into separate homes. That’s the question.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the family outings be a concern?

Family 🖤 Dating

Featured Comment

I know a couple that are separated but living together, for the same reason: the finances. They have a beautiful home in a wonderful community and both of them would have to give it up if they lived apart and accept a significant reduction in comfort and quality of life. So this is legit. On the other hand, would I want to have anything to with this situation by dating one person in such an arrangement? NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

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