He Just Lost His Wife

Monday | October 31, 2016

Love Letters Dating

He Just Lost His Wife

I just met a man on a dating website. I instantly learned that he was a widower. Not six months, not a year, but barely two months single after losing his wife to a brain aneurysm. She also left behind their young child.

He contacted me on the dating site and gave me his phone number, so I called. The call lasted for many hours. I haven’t spent that much time on the phone since high school! I can’t really put into words how comfortable I felt. It felt like home.

We then became friends on Facebook. Suddenly, I was faced with wanting to know who his wife was and what kind of life they shared. She was loved by the community, family, and friends. She was very much a powerhouse in the community, and someone I would look up to. They were in love – they seemed like soul mates.

Do I proceed with seeing him? I want to see where this goes but I don’t want to rush him, and I want him to feel comfortable enough with me to talk about his wife. I want to take it very slow. Any advice would be awesome.

– Concerned

Two months is nothing. Even if someone’s spouse has been sick for a years and there’s been time to process the loss as it happens, two months is eight weeks. That’s barely enough time to think. For many online daters looking for a serious partner, this would be the kind of red flag that ends all communication.

But you seem open to learning more about this man. You seem to be asking for permission to take the risk. I can’t say it’s a great idea, but if you do decide to see this guy in person, please remember to manage your expectations. You say that talking to him “felt like home,” but all you mean is that you enjoyed your conversation. All you know is that you found another person who had the desire to sit on the phone for hours.

Also remember that the first date might not live up to the phone call. You’re deciding whether to go all in – you mention concerns about pace and communication – but scheduling one meal doesn’t mean you’re going to start a relationship. No matter how much you swooned over that first conversation, you don’t know this person. Not yet.

– Meredith

Readers? Should she walk away? Is he ready?

Dating

Featured Comment

Wow! Two months after an unexpected death is really the blink of an eye. I’d proceed with extreme caution—or maybe not proceed at all. He and his child have so much to work through right now.

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