I am in my mid-40s and live outside of the US. I am a longtime listener of your podcast.

For the past six years after my second divorce (both with men), I have been working on myself and gradually discovering who I am and what I like. Through this, it has become almost undeniable that I am attracted to women. I realized my celebrity crushes were always women since I was a child.

Date women? Well, I have tried. I signed up for both an app and a matchmaking system but neither worked for me.

In addition to not yet being able to find someone in a suburban area where I live (in Japan), what makes me torn is this man.

A few years ago, when I was still not fully recovered from the second divorce, I got a message from a man I was with in my 20s. Back then we got engaged, but decided to go our separate ways instead of getting married. I didn’t want to leave Japan and he didn’t want to move to Japan from the US. We stayed in touch after the breakup by exchanging birthday wishes. He got married and has now two children. Oddly enough, we always had each other in mind, thinking we would somehow end up being together.

Then three years ago, he messaged me to see how I was doing. Texting with him about our time together felt nice. He told me about his marital problem and I felt the urge to “get him back.” We texted for about two months but I decided to stop because I didn’t want to cause any problems for his children’s sake.

Last year, I texted him. I was mentally in a better place and wanted to be friends with him again. He told me he had decided to stay in the marriage, which was fine for me.

Months after that, I reached out and found out he was visiting Japan with his family to see his Japanese wife’s parents. (Well, yes, I guess he has a type.) A week later, when I was working at home, the doorbell of my apartment rang. He was there.

While his wife and children were spending time in her hometown, he decided to hang out alone and come to see me. We spent five days together. Being with him felt so natural. He came to see me again and stayed for three weeks. He is in the process of getting a divorce now.

I know I love him – that he is some kind of soul mate. He loves me. I know he and I can enjoy our life together. We enjoy traveling, coffee, and quiet times. I cannot be sure if I am romantically attracted to him or men in general, though, while his love language includes physical connections. It is a bit overwhelming to think that I won’t be able to bring physical connections into the relationship with him.

What should I do? Should I pursue a relationship with a woman as my heart wants or be with him as my rational thought tells me?

– What Next