Am I no longer capable of feeling?

I’m 26 and have been single for seven years after two short-lived, emotionally tumultuous college flings. These years of being single have been great! I’ve improved relationships with my family and friends, built a successful career I’m proud of, traveled, tried new hobbies, and more.

Over the past three years I’ve been dating super intentionally, and have been looking for a relationship that’ll be additive to my life. I do want to marry, and am clear that I want a relationship where we’re both invested in exploring long-term potential – no situationships. The hope is to find someone kind, respectful, and confident, which I feel is a fairly inclusive set of criteria, and has allowed me to keep an open mind in dating different kinds of men and not sticking to a “type.”

Some of these guys have been immediate “no’s,” and I’ll politely wish them well and move on. Some have been attractive, but didn’t work out.

Others have been nice people, who I’ll go on a couple dates with to see if a spark develops. Here’s my problem – the spark simply ISN’T developing. These guys seem like good people and there are no red flags. Our conversations are OK, and we seem aligned on core views/priorities. I keep talking to them because I feel like it’s my responsibility as an “intentional dater” to not expect fireworks right away, and because I want to truly get to know these individuals.

But … I’m not excited to see them again or get to know them more, even after a few dates. I HAVE felt sparks/attraction before, and know myself to be an affectionate person to friends and family. Objectively, I know myself capable of feeling excitement to get to know someone or to spend time with people I like, romantically and platonically. I’m simply not feeling it with these guys, who by all other definitions, seem like they’d be “healthy” partners.

I can’t help but wonder if my expectations are unrealistic. Being single and happy is definitely preferable to being in the wrong relationships. This mindset has allowed me to date thoughtfully, and I don’t regret having let any of these guys “get away.” If, after a few weeks I sense they’re feeling a connection, or they explicitly tell me they are, and I’m still not, I’ll usually end it so as to not lead them on. 

Am I waiting for something that’ll never come? Is “when you know, you know” a fallacy? Or am I missing some ability to feel, that is usually present in these situations?

So confused and trying to calibrate my expectations. I’d love to hear your experiences and advice!

– Intentional