I’m Questioning Everything

Monday | March 16, 2015

Love Letters Dating

I’m Questioning Everything

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Hi Meredith,

I am a longtime reader and have been back and forth about writing this letter because I fear the comments. I was seeing this guy for about six months and things were going really well. He is caring and sweet and was there for me when I was going through some stressful career changes. At about five months in, I asked to define the relationship. We had agreed we weren’t seeing anyone else early on, but I tend to get insecure without the title. He agreed even though he is not into titles.

About a week after that, we were both stressed at work and I found that he wasn’t as talkative and seemed distant. He isn’t really a communicator so I kept pushing, telling him that because he doesn’t communicate we have nothing in common (which isn’t really true), which pushed him away. I would call and he would respond via text, or not respond for hours. All this stress was making me nervous about the relationship so I made a nice plan for the weekend. About an hour before he was suppose to come over, he sent a text saying he was super stressed and that it had nothing to do with me, but that he needed a few days. I was blindsided and freaked out.

Any normal human would have said okay and given him space, but nope, not me. I called a million times and sent many texts with zero response. So I told myself we were done and tried to move on.

After about two weeks of zero communication he texted me saying he was sorry and missed me and wanted to get together and talk. I agreed to give him one hour of my time, where he said how sorry he was and that he was super stressed with work and didn’t know how to handle it, and that all of my “are we done” texts were overwhelming, and can we go back to how it was. I told him I was upset and that he’s bad at communication, and that it was hurtful that he didn’t respond to me after ending it via text, but that I would see how it went.

Now things are pretty much back to normal and he is trying harder, but I have a fear he will pull the disappearing act again. I asked if there was someone else and he said no, but I just don’t know if I believe that. Why would someone go MIA for two weeks if there wasn’t someone else? I feel like every time he is texting I am wondering is it a girl. Is this going to happen again? Do I stay? All my friends think I shouldn’t have gone back.

– Was It Stress or Someone Else?

“Why would someone go MIA for two weeks if there wasn’t someone else?”

I was sort of under the impression that he disappeared for two weeks because you told him you don’t have anything in common and then texted him 50,000 times looking for relationship validation. I find it interesting that you want him to try harder, but that you’re not expecting much of yourself.

I’m on your side about the disappearing act, but it sounds like your phone calls and texts just shut him down. You weren’t looking for real communication, you just wanted attention and validation. Sometimes being a good partner means accepting some silence and saying, “You seem stressed. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

If you want to be in a relationship with this guy, you have to match his efforts. He’s working to be a better partner, which means that you should be too. That means listening, trusting, and asking questions instead of going on the offensive.

Readers? Should she be with this guy? Was he with someone else?

– Meredith

Dating

Featured Comment

He is plowing right through all of the warning signs and is on a fast track to crazy town. I wouldn’t do anything if I were you. Sooner or later, he is going to look back at all of the signs he missed and this relationship is going to come off the rails on its own. There is no need for you to help it along anymore than you already are.

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