Hi Meredith,

I’m a longtime fan of Love Letters and the LL community, and I’d love some advice.

I’m in my mid-20s and I’m a pretty active dater. I meet guys through friends, online, Tinder, etc. (I know a lot of commenters have strong opinions about Tinder but I’m telling you it has been the best way for me to meet people!) Anyway, every so often a first date will turn into something more. We’ll go on more dates and start hooking up, and continue to have fun for a couple months. But then I get to what feels like a crossroads, and I start thinking “Is this someone I could see myself with … potentially forever?” Even though these are great guys, there always seems to be some reason I don’t feel like we’re ultimately right for each other. Maybe there’s not enough physical chemistry, or we’re not clicking enough in an intellectual/personality way, or something just feels “off.” I don’t want to waste anybody’s time, so I break things off.

I’ve been told that I’m not giving things enough time to develop, or even that I’m a maneater for moving on all the time. I’ve been through painful breakups, and I just don’t want to commit to a relationship again unless I’m over-the-top excited about the connection. But I haven’t felt that way yet. Or the guys I do get excited about don’t return those feelings.

My assumption is that when I meet and get to know the right person, it will be ridiculously obvious. That I won’t have nagging doubts or apprehensions about my feelings. And that he’ll feel the same way about me.

If I’m unsure after a few months, is it reasonable to trust my gut and move on? Or am I expecting a level of certainty that doesn’t really happen? Has anyone else been like me, but then eventually met someone that didn’t make them think twice?

– How do you know