'I'm reluctant to be intimate'

Thursday | February 8, 2024

Love Letters Dating

‘I’m reluctant to be intimate’

What’s been on your mind about your single/dating/married/divorce experiences? Ask anything. It helps others who have similar questions.

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I am 77 years old. I had a battle with breast cancer and had a mastectomy two years ago. I divorced a husband when I was 30 years old, and it was the right thing to do because we were highly incompatible with different goals.

I recently became very attracted to a very nice gentleman who is just a few years younger than me. We have mutual friends who think highly of him. I have known him for two years, and we have some interests in common and respect one another.

I am reluctant to be intimate because the cancer might return. He seems shy about intimacy and I can only guess at his reasons. He might be gay. Should I just accept that we are meant to be friends?

I truly love this fine man. There are different kinds of love. Is there any possibility that this relationship will thrive in the future? Sometimes I feel rejected. Sometimes he might think I make him feel rejected. Cancer is a beast and loving someone when you doubt you will live longer than a few more years is something to take seriously.

– Reluctant

Cancer is a beast (I could use so many other words for the horror it brings).

I do hope you found some good counseling/support groups during the process. If not, it’s never too late. It might help to hear others talk about how they’ve approached physical and emotional intimacy during and after treatment.

As for the guy, here’s the thing – he sounds lovely. He could be an excellent friend or more. If he’s just a friend, maybe he can be a close friend who truly understands you.

From where I stand, it’s worth risking the status quo and saying, “Hey, I think you’re great. I wonder about the nature of our relationship because I have some romantic feelings for you. I’m also frightened because of what I’ve been through – and I have no idea how you feel. I’d love to talk about it so I can better understand how we might want to think of each other. No matter what, I’d love to know you better.”

Then get an answer. If he turns out to be a close friend, great.

If he does want more, maybe you can navigate the scariness of it all together.

I suppose there’s a risk that asking questions will ruin what you have or make him go away … but if so, it’s for the best. You’re making room to be close to someone. You deserve to know whether he’s a good candidate for your attention.

I know this is scary, but what a time to be bold.

Good luck and keep us posted. We love followup letters.

– Meredith

Readers? Next steps for this letter writer?

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Featured Comment

“I think you are already shutting everything down before you even know anything for sure. That can be a defense mechanism and I’m sure that talking about cancer and the mastectomy is not a pleasant idea (congratulations on beating it, may it never come back) but you won’t know anything until you, um “actually know.” Including whether he is gay. Or even open to intimacy.

Unless you have these conversations you just can’t tell. Be open to asking him out and learning more about him. Who knows, he may be very supportive about these things and maybe even have some things of his own. Life is to be lived. No matter your age. Don’t go burying yourself before your time.”

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