That first request might have been made way too early. I don’t know the players here, but I can imagine it was jarring for his ex to hear that the father of her children had moved in with someone he’d known for less than six months. Any request might have seemed like a big “no” at the time.

So many months later, it sounds like he needs to revisit whatever legal agreement he made with her about the kids. Does it say anything about significant others? Is there any guidance at all? This is where third parties can step in to mediate conversations. Social workers can guide families through the process so people feel like they’re doing right by their children. There are systems for this.

But he has to want to take that step.

I can understand why he fears making his arrangement worse, and why he wouldn’t want to risk the time he has with his children. Her threat is a big one, so he probably wants to maintain the status quo for as long as possible. But you know you don’t want to live this way forever.

Ask about an alternative plan – that maybe after a year or more of living together peacefully, he investigates a new path, with more help. Is he open to that?

If so, consider seeing a family therapist as a couple for more help with a timeline. That person can help the two of you figure out next steps – and reveal whether he wants to take them at all.

– Meredith

Readers who’ve been through custody stuff, how did you make these decisions? How long would you wait before meeting someone’s children? What might make this easier?