A.

First, thank you for this encouragement. Many readers do feel like there’s no one out there for them.

To the many 40-something readers rolling their eyes and saying, sarcastically, “Good for you, lady,” I’d invite you to be open to the fact she might be right in some ways. Dateable people are out there, even if they’re not at your gym, asking for your number.

The second thing I’d like to tell you, letter writer, is that not everyone is you. When these letter writers tell me “there’s no one,” they might mean, “Sure, there are some people out there, but there’s no one making me excited, or treating me right, or making me feel seen in a unique way.”

They’re looking for big experiences, and everything in between begins to feel like a waste of time.

A story for example: I had a friend who had a bunch of girlfriends when we were younger. They were all super nice, for the most part, and he liked them a lot – even loved some. He probably knew that 99 percent of them would not be lifetime partners, but they offered interesting experiences, and they helped him evolve into a great, thoughtful man.  

Sometimes he would say to me, back then, “I’m have all of these relationships, and you date almost no one. Couldn’t you just date for the sake of dating … and learning?” The answer was yes. But I didn’t feel like it. I was getting over breakups and enjoying friends, and every romantic prospect seemed like emotional work. If I was going to break my hiatus, there needed to be some clear reason – some intense connection I had to explore. That took awhile to find.

Many of the people who write in wish they could meet someone they’re excited about. They have been looking, and sometimes fatigue clouds their lens. Someone might write in and say, after your experience, “Ugh, some guy just asked me for my number at the gym, but he doesn’t even know me.”

You’re in a great mindset to have fun. A lot of people aren’t, and for fair reasons.

That said, I do think people can learn from this letter, even as they roll their eyes at your success. You’re social, interested in others, and you’re engaging with people offline. You’re going to community spots, and when someone approaches you, you’re welcoming enough that they take the risk and talk to you. Something about you says, “Hey world, your positive attention would be welcome.” I do think it’s worth considering, eye rollers like me, how open we seem to others – for friendship or more.

The world can be scary and bleak, but it’d be nice if we all welcomed positivity from others.

I have to believe that a lot of people are actually great.

– Meredith

What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Friendships, romantic relationships, family? Send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected].

Readers? Thoughts about this letter of encouragement? Single people: are you encouraged? Interesting to note: if the rest of life is going great (job, family), does dating become easier and more fun?