Hi Meredith,

I am a middle-aged woman. A couple of years ago, my husband died suddenly. He was it. We spent the better part of a decade traveling, enjoying life, and loving each other. The loss left me dark, broken, and lonely. I was convinced I would never recover. I still feel dark inside and I don’t think I will ever be fully happy.

Last summer, I met a woman and we clicked immediately. We had wonderful conversations, and I found in her a great listener and friend. We ended up hooking up one night; I’d never been with a woman before. I told her I wasn’t ready to date anyone – I was too sad, the grief too present. I agonized between what my body and heart were telling me vs. the feelings of guilt, sadness, loneliness. Needless to say, we started dating. Dating, going on vacations, meeting each other’s family and friends. It was awesome, and I couldn’t believe I’d found love again. This woman is beautiful, kind, brilliant, funny, sexy, generous, and she loves me wholly. I am proud of her and everything she is/what she stands for. We enjoy each other immensely and have talked about a future together. We’ve been functioning as a partnership.

One day we looked around and realized she was living at my place, even though she still had her condo. It had just happened. And I freaked. I unceremoniously told her I needed space, no contact. No seeing each other, no calls, no texts. There was not a specific event that precipitated this, just my issues. I am not sure I can even define it, other than that my grief and sadness overwhelm me. It was hard. It is hard. She is an emotional wreck. She is asking for clarity, of course, but I can’t face her or this situation. I miss her and I am in love with her but … my walls are up and I can’t understand why. I cannot pinpoint the trigger.

We have seen each other a few times during this period, and I love seeing her. I have sent her messages apologizing for my bad behavior, and she replies with, “you have my love and compassion; I am here for you.” She is truly wonderful. I know that my sadness and hurt affects her, and I am sure it’s not easy being partnered with me.

I want to be clear: this is not a case of “I am not feeling it” — quite the opposite. There’s no one I’d rather spend time with than her. In some crazy way, it seems easier to cut off all contact than to feel the fear of loss again (although I don’t think she’d ever walk away from me). Neither of us want to date others, that’s not what this time apart is about.

How do I make sense of this in my own head and for her? I’m bad at communicating. In my heart, I feel she knows this is not about her but I know it is still hurting her. I don’t know if it’s all too good to be true and I am creating the static or what. Yes, I do want to be with her.

– Static