I’m about to meet his mother
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Q.
I’ve been dating someone I really care about, and he’s kind, grounded, and emotionally intelligent — a lot of which I credit to his upbringing. But there’s a complicated dynamic with his mom that’s been weighing on me. He was raised by a single mother who clearly loves him deeply, but has also said some really cruel, even emotionally abusive things to him over the years. She’s extremely involved in his life, sometimes to the point of being controlling.
I’m about to meet her for the first time, and I’m feeling anxious. I come from a very different family dynamic — I’m independent, have strong boundaries with my parents, and I know I wouldn’t be OK with a future that involved a parent constantly in our relationship or household.
How do I navigate this dynamic compassionately — and how do I know if it’s something I can realistically build a future around?
– Mother
A.
Experience this dynamic in person before making any big decisions about it.
What happened years ago might not be relevant right now. Some very involved parents know that the bond/partnership they have with their child doesn’t extend to significant others and inlaws. Dynamics shift when new personalities enter the picture.
The best thing you can do is show her how you want this to go. Maybe there will be some mirroring.
Be kind. Respect her space. Set boundaries when you need to. You can thank her for advice/feedback without obeying. You can make your opinion clear about everything from a dinner location to when you need to be home. If she says something awful, explain you don’t appreciate it, and counter with something positive.
Don’t overdo it. Don’t go in expecting a battle.
One last thing (and I say this as a person who was boundary-free with her mother, perhaps to a fault): please don’t expect your significant other to pull away from his mom – because it’s probably not what he wants. A happy future might involve him spending a lot of time with her, on her turf, without any obligation for you to be there as a third wheel.
Right now, it’s too early to know what’s what. But do keep us posted.
– Meredith
Readers? Are you family boundaries different than your partner’s? How do parent relationships affect a core partnership? What should this letter writer do or expect?
What’s on your mind about new relationships, long marriages, dating, love, loss, complicated friendships, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].
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