I Fear That I’m Not Pleasing Her

Thursday | January 29, 2015

Love Letters Dating

I Fear That I’m Not Pleasing Her

I’ve done some paraphrasing in brackets here. He was very, very descriptive. Feel free to use your own brackets so that your comments don’t get censored.

Hi Meredith,

I am writing to you because I don’t know where else to go and need a woman’s perspective. I am in a relationship with a woman (we are both in our late 30s) who says she loves me. We live together with her two young children. My concerns are in the bedroom. We have been together for eight months and our lovemaking has taken a turn. We usually make love at least six times a week. We are [very creative].

The problem is that as of the last month or so, she isn’t [enjoying herself] the way that she used to. The change seemed to happen overnight. When I brought up my concerns, she said that it was because she feels fat and not sexy (I constantly tell her how beautiful she is and how much I love her). She also tells me that research says that this what happens to women at her age. I feel that this is an excuse, as she only states this when I bring it up. The last few times we made love she said she [enjoyed herself] but I feel she is being dishonest about it. I asked her last night if there was anything going on — anything I’m doing or not doing — and she got very defensive.

I am concerned because I want her fulfilled and satisfied. She says she wants me to feel that way and that is all that matters. We are both pleasers and I feel I’m not holding up my end of the deal and failing.

We never argue and seem to be perfect in most ways together. We did have some issues a few months ago. She had been communicating with her ex and said she needed closure and wanted to try to remain friends. I allowed the communication to continue until she and I spoke about it, and the conversations seemed to be more (she said he wanted her back). I politely requested that she not talk to him again. Long story short, supposedly they haven’t talked but I’m wondering if this is part of the issue. It’s been a few months and her sexual issues started about a month ago.

What would make someone stop [enjoying things] so abruptly? Is it normal for a woman to have an overnight change at her age? I need some advice on what you think might be happening.

– Concerned and Sad

I am writing to you because I don’t know where else to go and need a woman’s perspective.

I’m a woman, but not a doctor. So I can’t tell you what happens to bodies as they age.

What I can tell you is that the most important part of your letter is in paragraph one. That’s where you say that you’ve only been dating this woman for eight months. You guys are still figuring things out and developing a routine. Isn’t it possible that your sex life will ebb and flow?

Instead of asking her what you’re doing wrong and freaking out about what’s changed, take the pressure off and enjoy each other’s company. The problem might correct itself (really, it’s only been a month). It’s also possible that the issues will continue, and that she’ll decide to see a doctor. For now, you just have to let things evolve.

Sometimes the pressure for a perfect sex life ruins a perfect sex life. The best pleasers have patience.

Readers? How can he deal with this problem? What should he expect at eight months?

– Meredith

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