I wasn't ready to say 'I love you'

Tuesday | November 19, 2024

Love Letters Dating

I wasn’t ready to say ‘I love you’

I am a widow in my early 30s. I recently started seeing somebody I actually enjoy spending time with. I had seen three other people before, and only one of those people and I went on multiple dates. I was convinced that I would never find someone I could love again, but I feel as though I am falling for this new person.

We have been talking for about three months and have gone on many dates. We’ve also had plenty of sex. Everything was going great until he uttered the words “I love you” to me after sex one night. I definitely did not feel ready to say it back, but I did.

Now, I am at a crossroads. I don’t want to end this relationship, but I also am scared of diving headfirst into something so serious so quickly. I have experienced love before and I know what it’s like to love someone. I love spending time with this person, I love the idea of being with him and a possible future, but I’m not sure I love him yet. How do I go about this? I feel like I am anxious now when the future is brought up.

I just want to take things slow and continue to enjoy one another. But I also feel like I would ruin everything if I say that I’m not ready to say “I love you” to one another yet.

– Falling

This doesn’t have to ruin anything. You don’t have to end the relationship because you’re not ready to say those three words.

There are no all-or-nothing, mandatory choices here. Go for honesty and you’ll be OK.

Whenever you’re together and relaxed you can say something like … “Hey, I wanted to mention a feeling I had about the other night.” Then explain how the “I love you” freaked you out a little, and that you’re loving this experience as you watch it grow. Tell him you were scared that if you didn’t say it back, you might lose him.

You don’t want to lose him – because you’re falling for him. That should be great for him to hear!

He might backpedal his sentiments, or maybe he’ll just listen. Sometimes “I love you” – at the start of a relationship – means “I care about you, I love the potential here, and I hope we continue to be together.”

That’s probably what he meant. He might explain.

Please know that “I love you” doesn’t have to mean exactly what it did with your late partner. It might not feel apples-to-apples or involve the same timing with someone new. Your first “I love you” with this new person will not match the “I love you” from your marriage.

By the way, if he can’t deal with this information, that’s good to know. You want to be someone who gets it and listens. Find out if he does.

– Meredith

Readers? Will talking about this ruin what they have? Ever edited an “I love you” after saying it? Funny stories about saying it – or not – for the first time?

Send your own question. I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].