I was told to take a year off from dating

Tuesday | February 20, 2024

Love Letters Dating

I was told to take a year off from dating

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I got married in January of 2022, and as soon as I said, “I do,” my husband became abusive with me. After failed marriage counseling and a mental health episode, I finally realized I had to leave. My therapist advised that I not see men for a year, but in the meantime, I became a widow and have been grieving his loss on top of separation.

I did wait a year to date other men but was played for a quickie by an emotionally unavailable guy who seemed super connected before we met. Needless to say, it really hurt me, and I felt ashamed to have been taken advantage of while I’m still emotionally raw.

I quit dating apps years ago, but I would like to make a soulful connection. I’m in the process of relocating so I can live in a more socially friendly environment where I’m able to meet people organically.

Why does meeting someone seem so impossible? Doesn’t anyone meet in real life anymore? I’m 51, have a great job, and love my life. But being an empty nester, I feel so lonely coming home to no one. Any tips on how to get out there and make a real connection?

– Impossible

You got married in January of 2022.

You’ve been through a lot in two years.

I suspect that when your therapist told you to wait a year to date, they didn’t mean you had to hit the ground running when you started up again. (I don’t know for sure; please ask them.)

This is going to be a slow process, and much of it will be about meeting new friends. Once you get settled in a new place, focus on building community.

Do you really want to find a significant other the second you get to a new town? Why not investigate your options? Find groups you like, restaurants you love, and the scene that feels right to you. Join clubs and see art (or whatever you like).

I’ve heard that people should give themselves a year to get used to a new home. (Really, the “wait a year” thing seems to apply to so many life changes.) I’m not saying you need to stop yourself from dating for another 12 months, but please allow yourself a grace period to do everything else so you don’t feel pressure to change every part of your life at once.

The truth is, people meet everywhere. On apps. At concerts. While doing laundry (that’s something I learned while recording an upcoming episode of the podcast). There is no one way, so you just have to do a bunch of fun things, pay attention, and surround yourself with good company while you wait to see what happens.

Please, as a gift to yourself, take your time.

– Meredith

Readers? Advice on making a lot of changes at once?

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Featured Comment

“As we all know there’s no magic way to meet someone. I do think it’s harder in person when so many people use apps but it does happen. A friend of mine who is almost 70 met a man recently when she was leaving a dance place at midnight and he asked for her phone number.

I do think that since you’re moving you have a great possibility of meeting new people but I agree with Meredith that you shouldn’t focus all your energy on meeting a man. When I got divorced,I wasn’t in the mood to date right away, so I started doing things to make more women friends. Then when you have more friends, you end up having more of a social life and that gives you the opportunity to meet more men too.”

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