I want to date someone who wants kids

Monday | April 22, 2024

Love Letters Dating

I want to date someone who wants kids

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Hi Meredith,

I think there might be other people wondering this question, so here it is:

I (late 20s, woman) am recovering from a Grand Heartbreak last month after splitting with my boyfriend of years. He just doesn’t know what kind of future he wants, but doesn’t feel strongly about kids, and I want them.

Although I am not ready to meet else someone yet, I do feel empowered knowing that I am sure I want kids, and I want to find someone who feels the same.

My question is: when dating, how do I find out where people stand on wanting kids early on, before anything gets into serious falling-in-love territory? I fall in love hard, but I am terrified to experience another heartbreak like this if I meet someone else who ends up not wanting kids, or not able to make up their mind. How do I be intentional about this in the dating process as I move towards my early 30s?

– My Biological Clock is Ticking

A nice thing about dating apps: usually there’s a question that asks whether people want kids.

Some say they don’t – or that they’re “unsure.” You can swipe left on them.

Of course, a good portion of those up-in-the-air people might decide they do want to be a parent. Maybe they’re letting people know, with the “unsure,” that they plan to take their time and are not prioritizing children right now.

Regardless, you want to find single people who know they want children. Look for the “yes” folks. They’re out there.

What about a non-app first date, you ask? Just talk and maybe it’ll come up. On Date 2 you can chat about dreams for the future (work, travel, kids, everything).

By the way, this is a great time to date without urgency. You’re in your 20s, after all. Yes, you want family to happen sooner than later, but like you said, you’re processing a lot. That’s OK.

Give yourself time to get over the Grand Heartbreak. If you don’t take the weeks/months/years(?) you need to figure out who you are after the loss, you’ll mess up the next thing.

Acknowledge the clock, but pace yourself.

Keep us posted, of course.

– Meredith

Readers? Is it too soon to be thinking about this, right after the breakup? On dates, when do you ask about kids? Would you date an “unsure” person if you were this letter writer?

Send your own letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

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Featured Comment

“I used to think my biological clock was ticking in my 20’s as well, and I would just kind of hope the guys I dated also wanted kids (I did usually swipe left on people’s profiles who were adamant about not wanting to kids up front to try and not waste time from the get go). Surprisingly, the general question about if someone wants kids ended up not being too hard to ask. Wasn’t usually a first date thing, but there’s nothing wrong with asking the general question. If in general they do want kids, great, but as you get to know and a date a person, you will also see if this person would in fact be the type of father you’d want your kids to have. Do their values line up with yours? Do they want more or less kids than you, or expect you to stay home with them? Many things to answer. Ultimately, I found my now husband and father to my kid (plus one on the way!) at 32, and married and pregnant at 35. My clock turned out to still be working just fine, even if it was a little later than I had originally envisioned at first. But I’m with the right person and he is the best dad.”

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