I want my boyfriend to go back to the doctor

Wednesday | February 14, 2024

Love Letters Dating

I want my boyfriend to go back to the doctor

Hey all, here’s a Valentine’s present.

We’re giving away a pair of tickets to Esther Perel’s event in Boston – which is April 10.

I know that a zillion people listen to Esther’s podcast, “Where Should We Begin” … and she has also been on the Love Letters podcast … and we also did our “Unsent Letters” series with her, which was lovely.

You can enter to win here. We’ll notify the winner Monday. – Meredith

18+. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. To enter, you must sign up for the Love Letters Newsletter between 9:00 AM EST Wednesday, February 14^th and 5:00 PM EST Friday, February 16^th, 2024. Limit two entries per person. See Official Rules here for additional information.

Dear Meredith,

I (woman, late 30s) am in a relationship with a great guy who is slightly older. I feel happy and secure – apart from the moments I’m anxious about health – my own or his. I am autistic (I still have not received the official diagnosis, but I am going there), and I also probably have ADHD. When feeling any strange symptoms, I become proactive, call my GP, ask questions, get tested, etc. When I suspect the worst, my partner is great at calming me down.

However, when he feels unwell and worried about his health, he mentions it briefly and then closes down. He has been to his GP a few times, only to hear all the vitals are OK. But he keeps feeling various symptoms and silently worrying. As an anxious person, I try to convince him to go back to the GP and ask for more tests. My partner says it is unnecessary to bother the doctor and prefers to wait and see.

I start suspecting various chronic illnesses. My partner, of course, does not like it. I try to be calm, but seeing him silently restless breaks my heart. Is it my own issue that I should work on with my psychologist? Or should I try to make him open up and convince him to go to the clinic again – or probably seek psychological help? Am I projecting my anxiety onto him? Should I just leave him alone to deal with his somatic feelings? What is the best strategy to help him and myself?

– Anxious girlfriend

You’re not a doctor. You won’t be able to diagnose him. Even if you do (after hours of googling), there won’t be a plan.

Stop the medical investigations and let him do his own thing. Instead of telling him to go back to the doctor, ask, “Anything you want to do? Any way I can be supportive?”

If he tells you he’s nervous and restless, ask him what he’d like to do about those feelings. As in, “Is there anything that would put your mind at ease?” Maybe therapy will come up at that point. Perhaps he’ll tell you he’s not as worried as you think.

I want to mention that many people get stressed about their health, especially as they get older. Also, first tests can be scary (mammograms at 40, colonoscopies at 45, etc.). Sometimes people just need to worry it out for a bit before they let go. Other times, when bodies to do weird things, it can take a person a little while before they decide it’s important to get more help.

Let him be the boss of his own journey. You can be there as he does it.

Meanwhile, talk to your own therapist about how to manage the anxiety. Whether you’re focused on your boyfriend or yourself, the stress can lead to other health problems, right? It’s like that rule about giving yourself the oxygen before you put the mask on others. Work on your own stuff so you can do a better job showing up, in the right way, for the people you care about.

By the way, I do relate. I have a family member with a chronic illness, and sometimes my anxious brain wants to tell her to go to 50 doctors because I’m desperate for her to get help, relief, a magic cure, or better answers. The truth is, it would not be pleasant for her to see 50 doctors. Also, sometimes she’s stressed about her illness and just has to wade through that on her own. It has taken me a long time to start learning how to be there for her without adding to the problem, despite my good intentions. A lot of it is about staying silent, listening, and saying, “Whatever you think is best.”

– Meredith

Readers? Advice for a couple thinking about their health? How do you support someone without telling them what to do?

Dating Health 🖤

Featured Comment

“Juicy headline! Dear LW this is not your problem to fix. He’s managed on his own for years without you so let him keep on keepin’ on. You must understand on some level that projecting your anxiety onto him is not helping him – it’s burdening him. Gone are the days when the neighborhood GP could stop in, black bad in hand, to reassure someone that they’re a-ok. The health system is overloaded and your BF understands that. He sounds like he’s doing a great job of monitoring his own health and as far as ‘seeing him silently restless’ – well, that’s on you isn’t it? Fret silently if you must but you must stop medi-nagging him. Good luck dear LW in resetting your approach to this.”

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