I think he's still on Hinge

Monday | March 11, 2024

Love Letters Dating

I think he’s still on Hinge

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I met a man on Hinge right before New Year’s. I got such a strong sense of his energy that I sent him a “like” (the first time I’ve done this). I’m a student, so we went out three of the four days I had left at home before break, and we’ve been texting ever since.

I know what he’s up to every day, and if I call, he picks up right away. He even paid for half my flight and took off work for me so I could come back home and see him during the semester. The thing is, I freaked out and cancelled on him a few days before the flight. I’ve since apologized, and we had a great time together.

BUT – I peeped and saw that he still had Hinge on his phone when we were together. I don’t see him on my matches anymore, meaning he probably unmatched me. It’s definitely not serious enough to be exclusive/committed, but it still rubbed me the wrong way.

Should I bring it up? Or should I wait to see how things pan out over time? I’m still fairly new to dating apps and dating in general, so I don’t know what to expect. We haven’t said that we’re exclusive, but I told him I deleted the app.

– Unmatched

Sounds like it’s a great time to define the moment.

Honestly, maybe if we called it defining the moment, as opposed to defining the relationship, it wouldn’t be as daunting to have these conversations.

Relationships change so quickly. Smaller talks can make everything more manageable.

Tell him you’d like to know the boundaries. Should you assume that both of you will remain open to dating others? Sleeping with others? When is it necessary to share information about the other parts of your romantic lives?

What about expectations for visits? If you return home in a few months for summer, will you pick up where you left off? Will you wait and see what happens in April and May? How does he feel about all of this?

Before you have that talk, be honest with yourself about what you want. You said you removed yourself from the apps, but were you ready for that? Now that you’re back at school and this is long-distance, would you like more time to see who else is out there?

How many hours do you want to give someone who’s far away? I assume you don’t want to miss what’s in front of you because you’re texting someone in another town all day.

Sometimes when we get excited about a person, we make big proclamations. “I’ll wait for you!” “Let’s talk every day, even while we’re many miles apart.” Maybe you want everything from him right now, but this could also be a slow burn. Talking on occasion, seeing each other when you can. Yes, he’d probably want to stay on Hinge, if that’s the case.

Define the moment for yourself before you ask if he feels the same. If you want different things, it’s OK to stop communication and revisit later, if and when you’re in the same place.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you define the moment? How do you make peace with someone being on an app? What do you think of the unmatching behavior here? Is that what happened?

Dating DTR (Defining the Relationship)

Featured Comment

“You’re young, so this is a good time to learn how to get clear about what you want and talk directly and maturely with others about it. If you don’t want this to be an exclusive relationship, then continue as you are but don’t expect it to be more than it is. If you do want something more with this guy, tell him how you feel and ask what he wants. Worst case scenario is he doesn’t want the same things, but you find out now instead of playing guessing games and getting to the same outcome anyway in a few months. Either way, have the courage and maturity to talk openly instead of playing games – if you want to know if he deleted Hinge ask him, don’t snoop through his phone and then try to decipher what it means.”

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