I Might Want Her Back

Friday | November 11, 2022

Love Letters Dating

I Might Want Her Back

What’s on your mind about your dating/married/love life?? It’s time to ask your own question. Send it to [email protected] or fill out this form.

I was in a serious (at least at this point in my life) relationship with my partner while I was pursuing my master’s. As my program was coming to an end, I was planning to move to where my girlfriend was at the time, as she pursued her own degree. But we had some big life talks and I ended up initiating a breakup because I felt like our end goals weren’t aligned, mainly along with interests and where we were going to live.

The breakup was terrible. I really cared about her, but I thought it was best, and that I belonged with someone much more “my type” on the surface. I ended up getting a good job offer in the place I said I didn’t want to be originally, and I’ve been able to make it work. I feel like my ideas of what I want have sort of changed too. I’ve tried dating, and the success has been limited, but also the enjoyment hasn’t been there.

Fast forward to a recent weekend, about a year and a half post breakup, and old friends were in town and we all got together. It took a little bit to actually start talking with my ex at this event, but once we did, I feel like we talked the rest of the night. It was so nice having great conversations, the kind I’ve missed with any other potential partner. I also really admire what she’s become and I feel like she’s made very positive changes that I like more. I have been grappling with my emotions for only a few days now, but I feel like I really miss her in my life and want to reconnect but I’m not sure if it’s best or if she would like that.

I don’t know exactly what I would want from meeting back up, but I just know I was so happy being together briefly the other night, and I want more of that. Admittedly I have already messaged her and said it was really nice to see her and that I would love to see her again. I think I did a good job of being very “no pressure” but who knows! And she said she would be up for getting a drink sometime. I could use some expert, unbiased guidance about proceeding.

– Grappling

p.s. Love the pod. I was late to the game but am working my way through them.

Thank you. Everyone, work your way through that pod.

My thoughts:

You asked her for an outing with no pressure. She said yes. That’s great.

That’s how you proceed. Stay clear about your intentions (wanting a drink, not knowing more, etc.) and ask her how she feels about wherever you are.

Remember that you’re not auditioning her to be your partner again. This idea that you like who she’s become – if you want to share that as a compliment, make sure it sounds like an observation, as opposed to approval.

Assume you’re starting a new chapter. You can’t ignore your history, but if this relationship starts again, it won’t be like it was. Someone got hurt during this breakup (I assume). There was grief and confusion. There was probably (hopefully) some healing and forgiveness. The two of you are picking back up in another place, where everyone’s needs are new.

Also know that she’s not the answer to all dating problems. There are other people out there with whom you can connect. If you want to pursue with her, it shouldn’t be because you believe she’s the only one out there.

Follow up with these plans. If she says she’s up for a drink, come back with a date and idea for a nice outing.

See how it feels to spend more time with her, and stay honest. If you want her company but don’t know what for, make that clear. Ask what she wants and listen. That’s the best you can do.

– Meredith

Readers? Next steps? How does one keep pressure off in this situation?

Dating Getting back together