Meredith,

I’m wrapping up my first year of college, probably young and naive, but that’s exactly why I need help. I’ve been in a relationship with my high school boyfriend for over two years, and things with him have been going great. He’s a year younger than me, so for the past nine months we have been long-distance and we’re going to have to continue long distance for another year (with the exception of summer breaks), at least while he prepares to transfer into a college closer to me that he didn’t get into the first time around. Long-distance, too, has been super smooth. I love him, and we both are pretty confident in our future together. There is not doubt in my mind that I want to spend my life with him.

But I’m pretty sure I’m also into women. And the prospect of never knowing the truth of my sexuality really scares me. I’ve told him this before, but it didn’t sink in. He still always makes the assumption that I am only attracted to men.

Which is why he isn’t suspicious at all about how close I am to the new friend I met in college, I’ll call Maria. The two of us flirt and joke about being in love with each other a lot, even when we’re alone. When we hangout together, it’s usually in a pretty romantic setting – picnics, farmers markets, going on walks after getting coffee. Sometimes she’ll rest her head in my lap or hold my hand. I always long to be closer with her.

Maria also has a boyfriend I’ll call John. Maria, John, and I are all friends and often hangout together. During late night chats the three of us often discuss topics relating to sexuality. None of us are fully straight, and Maria and I have often spoken about how it can be difficult to differentiate attraction from friendship, but with John being there, that conversation never went further.

Both of us really love our boyfriends, but I think we also both know that our relationship is deeper than friendship, but haven’t acknowledged that to each other. The second we acknowledge it, I think it’s going to force us to do something about it – make decisions, discuss it with our boyfriends, change/lose our friendship, etc. – and I’m fairly certain it would cause problems with my relationship with my boyfriend, Because, by the way, Maria and I are roommates next year.

I’m tired of movies and TV shows glorifying the new relationship just because it is the more exciting and dramatic one in front of you. What really makes the most sense?

What is more important? Preserving the relationship with the man I think I want to grow old with? Or discovering how it feels to be in love with a women?

– Just a girl