I like 25 percent of all women ... at first

Thursday | June 13, 2024

Love Letters Dating

I like 25 percent of all women … at first

I like 25 percent of all women I meet. I’m a 23-year-old man, have never been in a long-term relationship, and want to find someone long-term.

I only have three requirements: 1) They must be ethical 2) They do not do drugs 3) We must have good conversations.

Talking to them is easy, and we bounce ideas back and forth readily. I want to be proud of my partner – we’d be a power couple. My problem is that I like most people I talk with, even if they do not satisfy the third requirement that well on first contact. (I find 90 percent of women physically attractive, so looks aren’t an issue).

I’d spend a few hours with someone – even if it was over the phone – and I’d be planning our 10th date in my mind. I even once flew across the continent to meet them in person. When I date people, this feeling lingers, even in the third month – up until the moment when it abruptly ends. It just sucks because all the: “Would you marry me” lines that I’ve been practicing would go to waste.

My friends think that I like people too easily – and I have to concur because I have friends who haven’t liked anyone in years. Maybe it’s because most events I attend are male-dominated, so when I meet a woman, they sparkle brighter. I probably haven’t been in a long enough relationship to know what truly matters, so I only see green flags. Should I change how I approach romance? Is there something I should think so I like people appropriately?

– A romantic at heart

P.S. I’ve been a fan of your podcast for four years. Thank you for all your hard work!

It’s great that you find so many people physically attractive – and that you assume the best of them.

What’s not great is that you seem to define who they are – and who they’ll be – before knowing them. You’re planning 10 years out, but not paying attention in the moment.

It’s almost like you’re too involved with your own fantasies to give these women a real chance.

My advice is a) therapy – because there are tools you can learn to slow your process. You can change patterns of thinking, and a professional can help with that. Talk to that mental health professional about what it means to be a “power couple” – because that’s something, too. I understand attraction to ambition, but you’re 23. Many people you meet are still figuring out where they want to put their time and effort.

B) Maybe seek friends instead of romantic partners right now. If your goals for connection are less intense, you might remember how nice it can feel to have a slow burn.

If you do keep dating (without a break to seek friends), try something new on date three/four. There are a bunch of question lists designed to help people know each other better. One was famously written about by Mandy Len Catron (she shared a a bunch of questions that, if answered, might help people fall in love). I happen to think big questions also reveal why someone isn’t a match. Try this with someone and pay attention. Don’t fantasize, just listen. It might help you learn, early on, that a woman isn’t for you.

Also, thanks for listening.

– Meredith

Readers? Do you like people too much at first – or not enough? Any tips on slowing the pace of things in your brain?

Send your own question about relationships (dating, divorce, breakups, singleness, and friendships) to the anonymous form or email [email protected]. It helps others who are worried they’re alone with a similar problem.

Dating Dating fatigue

Featured Comment

“You are 23, slow your roll. The word ‘power couple’ is such a strange way to think of someone you just met. You are not giving these woman a chance for you to get to know them. Take that word out of your vocabulary and stop thinking along those terms.”

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