You’re not going to like what I have to say. But I will say it with as much love and care as possible.

Let your boyfriend take these trips without having to text you that he’ll be unavailable for a bunch of hours. When someone is away and truly present with others, they might check in with loved ones once a day. Maybe in the morning and that’s it.

If there were timely concerns at home, like a health problem, I might understand the need for immediate responses. But that’s not what’s happening here, right? You just want a message back. You want to be thought of while he’s elsewhere.

You said you wouldn’t mind if he told you ahead of time that he’d be silent for the better part of a day. What if you assumed that of every day he’s on these trips? Then you could plan accordingly. You wouldn’t be waiting for messages because you’d know they’re not supposed to come.

This reminds me of when I used to drive to my grandma’s at her senior living facility – the one that was 10 minutes from my apartment. She’d demand that I call her as soon as I got home. I always checked in, fulfilling the request, but often I’d say, “Grandma, maybe you should assume I got home safely – and worry if you do get a call.” She didn’t accept that as a new system, but … she was my 80-year-old grandma. She made the rules.

Don’t be grandma. Also, don’t allow your own vacation tastes to get in the way of your partner’s experience. When I see certain friends from my past, I do activities I haven’t done in years – things I no longer have much energy for. But I try to do everything, and sometimes it brings me back to a different time. Sometimes I’m thrilled I forced myself to join the group. Consider that two things can be true; your boyfriend might be having an incredible time while his social battery gets drained.

The only issue here is money – maybe. If you’re going to share money and he’s spending a ton of it on these trips without conversations or budgets, that could turn into more conflict. But you didn’t say that. Even if you had, I probably would have suggested that these vacations be worked into how you both plan for the year.

I hope this makes sense. These people aren’t putting him in dangerous situations. You don’t understand why he likes traveling with these friends – but you don’t have to. 

– Meredith

Readers? Am I right? How often do you communicate with a partner when they’re on vacation without you? How do feelings about these kinds of trips change when there are more immediate responsibilities (like kids)?