I didn't sign up for long-distance

Wednesday | September 25, 2024

Love Letters Dating

I didn’t sign up for long-distance

I’ve been involved with a great guy for 10 months. He’s in his early 70s, I’m in my early 60s. We are compatible and have great intimacy. I’ve been divorced since 2012 and had a long relationship after. He’s been separated for a few years and they’ve had no contact. He’s getting divorced at my suggestion to protect himself financially.

We went to Israel in March and it opened his eyes to how much he needs to be there. I’m on my second visit. He has a place in Jerusalem and and a big loving beautiful family.

I made it clear that I can’t be in a long-distance relationship if he’s still legally married. I am not looking to get married.

My problem is that I’m torn. I didn’t sign up for a long-distance relationship, and need someone who is present. I do travel independently and I’m financially secure, so on paper it looked like the distance may not be an issue. But the uncertainty and his not being present are painful for me. He doesn’t know what he will do, where he will permanently. He expects some combination of where we live and Israel, which would work, but no plans are set.

At my age I don’t want the loneliness. I’m not in my 20, or even my 50s. He’s fully aware of my feelings, but is having difficulty making decisions. His heart is torn.

What to do? I’ve made it clear that the indecisions won’t be sustainable forever.

– Distance

It sounds like you know the answer.

If this becomes a long-distance relationship, even part of the year, it’s not what you want. You get lonely and like company from a partner. That’s OK.

It sounds like you might need to leave him alone with the decision and start to move on. This 10-month courtship has been wonderful, but he’s got so much going on that has nothing to do with you. There’s the divorce and the potential move. You’ve thought a lot about his to-do list. He can take care of those things.

I know it’s tough, but consider pressing pause and taking some space. You can explain that you might revisit the relationship if he chooses to stay.

But it doesn’t sound like that’s his first choice. Also, he could choose to stick around and then change his mind again.

My guess is that you’d rather be looking for new companionship sooner than later, instead of restarting that process after more time.

– Meredith

Readers? Any way to make this work? Should the LW stick around to get a final decision on the move?

I’m ready for your problems. Send your own question to the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Dating Distance More than one country

Featured Comment

if you don’t want to be in a long distance relationship, then don’t be in one. You can either end it now or set a deadline for when there needs to be a plan/decision from him and stick to it. But don’t just roll along accepting “I don’t knows” or “We’ll figure it out eventually”.

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