How ‘in Love’ Should I Feel?

Friday | February 2, 2018

Love Letters Dating

How ‘in Love’ Should I Feel?

I have been seeing someone I met on an app for a few months. He and I are in our mid-20s. I really appreciate him and he seems very interested. He always texts me back and and compliments me.

The problem is that I don’t feel a big spark. I’ve always had a problem not feeling “in love.” I had a relationship for years with a guy I now realize I was never in love with. I had frequent doubts during that relationship and it made me feel horrible. We had no sexual chemistry.

I have been in love once, but it was with someone who had a girlfriend. It was a horrible fling, and I acknowledge that the circumstances might have contributed to how strongly I felt about him. He drove me mad. So that particular spark was not good.

The guy I’m with now makes me laugh and we have great sex. I miss him when he’s not there. But I’m scared that the spark isn’t strong enough. Does this mean I’m not in love with him? How am I supposed to be feeling at this point?

– Sparks

There’s a big middle ground between indifference and obsession. This new spark might not be the size of the one you had with the man with the girlfriend, but it’s much bigger than the one you shared with your first ex. (It sounds like that relationship involved no heat at all.)

If you want to give this new relationship a real shot – and you should – you must stop over-thinking and comparing. You also have to understand that after only a few months of a dating, you won’t have all the answers. You’re still getting to know him.

You can also help yourself by avoiding the word “always.” You don’t always have trouble falling in love. Based on your letter, it happened once.

At this point, it’s a pretty good sign that you continue to want sex and companionship from this new person. That means there is a spark. Give yourself some time to let it grow.

– Meredith

Readers? Can you help the LW with these doubts?

Dating