How do I learn to trust again?

Tuesday | September 17, 2024

Love Letters Dating

How do I learn to trust again?

Send your own question about dating/relationships/single life/breakups/friendship/etc. by using the anonymous form or email [email protected]. I’m reading.

I’m a woman about two years out of an extremely toxic relationship. He was cruel to me. He was never physically abusive, but he was emotionally abusive. I had known him as a friend for years before anything romantic began, which is why I trusted him. But as our relationship progressed, I realized he had significant mental health issues that were much greater than I recognized. The relationship ended very badly and we have no contact. I’ve been in therapy to work through the end of a relationship I believed was going to be forever.

I’ve recently met a new man and he seems wonderful. We are open with each other about all of our past relationship issues. We seem to communicate really well. I actually think I may have met a truly good man. The problem is, I would have said this about my last relationship. The end gutted me and I spent months not want to get out of bed. I lost my best friend and what I thought was my great love. So while I start by saying this new man seems really great, I follow it up with – unless he’s a liar, too.

How do I move on from past betrayal and learn to trust this new person? I’m working on this in therapy but I welcome the opinions of others.

– Learning to Trust

I’m so happy to hear you’re in therapy and talking about all of this. That’s huge.

Assuming the therapy is good and helpful (I hope), you’ll have guidance as you learn to trust yourself again.

That’s a big part of this, right? Trusting yourself?

We can’t control other people, but we can believe in ourselves to speak up when things are bad, and leave when we need to. A best-case scenario might be getting to a place where you can say, “If this new guy becomes a different/unpleasant kind of person, and I’ll move onto something better – and I’ll be OK.”

Please remember that it’s not apples to apples here. If you decide you don’t like this man and need move on, you won’t be losing a best friend. Also, it’s very possible this guy is a wonderful person, but that you’ll break up anyway for other, innocuous reasons.

This is about joy and compatibility. You don’t have to commit to a person just because he’s honest and kind.

Hopefully all of this will click over time, and you’ll get used to experiencing what’s in front of you without comparing it to your ex. Ask your therapist for help with that, too. Sometimes we have to train our brains to stop replaying bad memories. Your therapist might have ideas for how you can think about this less.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you stop bad experiences from ruining a new and good one? Is this LW ready to date?

Send your own question to the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

A new relationship should be concentrated on having fun and getting to know the other person. Go do fun things with this new guy. Work with your therapist on learning to live in the now and trusting yourself. If you start over analyzing this very new relationship it is likely to fizzle it out.

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