Dear Meredith,

I’m 30 years old, working and going to graduate school. I’ve been single since about six months ago, when my boyfriend decided we should break up rather than renew our lease together. That, actually, has been remarkably OK. I have gone on a lot of first dates, some second and third, and I have made some good connections. (Are you waiting for the “but” in all of this?)

The first or second person I dated after my relationship ended was my age, and we had a lot in common, but he was newly divorced. We were smitten with each other for a few weeks, until reality kicked in and he realized he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I had started to come to that conclusion (about him) myself, so we parted amicably and are now good friends. I kept going on first and second dates, waiting for something to stick. Earlier this spring, I went on three amazing dates with another guy, also 30. We had a great deal in common and were wildly attracted to each other. He stood me up on the night of our planned fourth date, saying something had come up with his family. The next day, he wrote me a long, heartfelt email saying that he liked me a lot, but that with everything going on in his life, he just wasn’t ready for a relationship.

This month I started going out with a 29-year-old acquaintance. You can see where this is going. He told me he had had a crush on me for awhile, our second date went really well… and then he told me that he really liked me, but with everything going on in his life, he just wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Meredith, these men all picked me and liked me and then took it back. I’m not looking to get married the day after tomorrow, but I would like to go out with somebody for more than a few weeks. I have had long relationships before, including one that lasted more than six years, and I was in my last serious relationship for a little over two years. I try not to put a lot of pressure on the people I date, to the point that when my last boyfriend left me, he said he had no idea that I wanted to get married. Granted, that’s not great, and being forthright about my needs is one of my new priorities, but it shows that I’m not a nag. I am pretty confident now, but I haven’t always had the highest self-esteem. Having these people show interest and then abruptly take it back is making it hard for me to trust that the people I like will reliably say what they mean. What now?

– Hot, Cold, & Confused