How do I convince him marriage should be on the table?

Wednesday | October 9, 2024

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How do I convince him marriage should be on the table?

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Dear Meredith,

I have been with my boyfriend for just under five years. We’re in our mid-20s. A few years ago he bought a house we now live in. I recently (admittedly should not have) pressured him into getting an engagement ring. Since then, he has been having a lot of doubts and questions about the future of our relationship.

He says that he doesn’t know if I’m the right person for him, but truly doesn’t want to hurt me. We had conversations in the past about getting married and having children in the future, and we were on the same page. We do not have the best bedroom life, but I’ve been trying to make it better. I am also his first, so he’s been saying that he can’t get past having never been with anyone else, and feels it is holding him back.

Our household chores are not very evenly split; he does more than his fair share. I have been working on doing more and making it more even between us. He also says he feels like he is not getting as much out of our relationship as I am, which does hurt to know he’s feeling that way. I am just looking for any advice on how to navigate through this, help ease his doubts, and hopefully get him out of this doubt of our relationship.

Since this topic of conversation came up maybe about a month ago, everything has been lacking, barely hugging, kissing, no cuddling, almost no sex (except for one time after a big conversation).

– Uneven

Do not read what I’m about to say as tough love. Please understand it as the softest, cocooniest delivery of an opinion you will not like.

I think you should let him go – for him and for you.

It sounds like he’s already made his decision. He told you his feelings about the relationship have changed. Whatever confidence was there just isn’t anymore.

Now that you’re trying to make things better, he’s pulling away. When faced with the possibility of losing you – or being with you forever – he’s gone cold. You don’t want to be lobbying for marriage if you’re with someone who’s not even excited about what you have now.

Another important question: who says this relationship is right for you? You’re in the uncomfortable position of being the weaker link. You don’t do enough around the house. You feel like you’re not delivering when it comes to physical intimacy. You keep saying you need to be better.

It could be very nice to feel like you’re enough on your own – and to stop feeling like you’re holding someone back. This imbalance might be holding you back.

You’re his first, but I assume he’s one of your first big relationships. There might be more to experience, more to learn about what makes you blissfully happy.

My advice is to give him what he wants – a breakup. Then let a whole new story unfold for yourself.

– Meredith

Readers? Is the boyfriend waiting for the LW to walk away? Any hope for staying together and improving the relationship?

What’s on your mind about being single? Dating? Breaking up? Send your own letter by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

It’s going to hurt but you can’t stay with someone who told you that he doesn’t think you’re the right person for him because you think if you work hard enough his feelings will change. You should not have to pressure someone you love into marrying you.

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